Friday, Oct. 30 2009 @ 5:33PM
Friday, Oct. 23 2009 @ 5:20PM
Friday, Oct. 16 2009 @ 5:38PM
- DJ Seasunz, a well established local DJ, drove around in his car with the dead body of his 18-year-old girlfriend before turning himself into police. He's being charged with second-degree murder and was denied bond.
- Miami's best known graffiti crew, MSG, is heading to divorce court as one of the co-founders decides to part ways with the collective.
- This week in fame-whore: Pamela Anderson brought back her iconic Baywatch bathing suit, Dennis Rodman got his Vogue Evolution on at a fashion show, and perennial Z-lister Shauna Sands is protesting the release of a Miami-filmed sex tape.
- The cousin who found himself in the middle of the A-Rod 'roid scandal may find himself with out a house.
- A bunch of people who were relevant in the high flyin' days of Miami Beach came out to hear a reading from Gerald Posner's new book, Miami Babylon.
- City commission candidate Frank Carollo once walked in on his girlfriend in a precarious position with another man and things got a little violent. When the cops showed up, he lied to them.
- Michelle Obama dropped by the Freedom Tower, where she dashed Barack's hopes of winning Dancing with the Stars (hey, at least he danced better than Tom DeLay).
Friday, Oct. 9 2009 @ 5:35PM
Friday, Oct. 2 2009 @ 6:01PM
Friday, Sep. 25 2009 @ 5:27PM
Friday, Sep. 18 2009 @ 5:30PM
​- The week started out with news that Miami was the second worst place to raise your kid. Unfortunately a stabbing at Coral Gables High proved that. In the wake of that tragedy YouTube videos surfaced that showed the school's courtyard had a history of violence. Oh, and a camera man got kicked in the stomach.
- Everyone has been loosing there heads over ACORN, and the girl who posed as a hooker to bring the nefarious anti-poverty group down is an FIU student. Her dad also happens to be a spirited pastor who is definitely not "a fat, black lesbian that hates hunting."
- In news straight out of your nightmare: a man lost his penis, and the Everglades' pythons could morph into unstoppable mutants.
- There might be something funny about Hialeah councilwoman's Katherine Cue's residence, and we don't mean her decor scheme. The guy running against her has problems of his own.
- We went to the City of Miami Mayoral debate. Everyone lost.
- Kimbo Slice had his arm sliced off by a caterpillar. Hey, if his Ultimate Fighter thing doesn't work out maybe he can wrestle at WrestleMania ...if it comes to Miami.
- Tim Hardaway made nicey nice with gay people, and then promptly had his jersey retired. This is probably because no decision involving clothes, even if it is a jersey, can be made with out consent of the gays.
- Happy 25th Anniversary Miami Vice. Here's to all you've done for us, and your kookie guest stars.
Friday, Sep. 11 2009 @ 5:59PM
Friday, Sep. 4 2009 @ 5:01PM
Friday, Aug. 28 2009 @ 6:00PM
It was a horribly slow news week. Not going to lie. Then Charlie Crist goes ahead and dumps something we could have squeezed an entire week of posts out of on a Friday. You sly, media savvy bastard.
- While Charlie Crist sits in Tallahassee serving out the reaming days as Governor he'll clutch one half of a "BFF" heart necklace and know somewhere in DC the man he appointed to senate is holding the other half. All of this, after asking just about anyone to apply for the job.
- Fidel Castro came out of seclusion and claimed the right wing will block President Obama every chance they can get because of his skin color. Of course, he pays no mind to the troubling history of racism in Cuba. You dis us, Castro, we dis you.
- People got angry at us for some political things this week: Namely that we dared to question the intent of Glenn Beck inspired protestors and wrote a satirical listicle about Michael E. Arth, the best candidate for Governor you've never heard of.
- Michael Beasley got a horrible tattoo, and then headed to Rehab. The Heat have done some dumb things recently, but hopefully they'll handle this situation correctly.
- Three words: Penis. Mouthed. Shark.
- Three other words: Weird. Topless. Chicks.
- We keep poking Carlos Alvarez, but he won't be our Facebook friend. Probably because he's too busy handing out big, fat pay raises to his cronies.
- The Hurricanes lost two back-up QBs this week. Don't get hurt Jacory, but if you happen to during the first game their won't be a sell-out crowd to watch you. Oh, and hey, look at this, another Hurricane rap.
Friday, Aug. 21 2009 @ 5:30PM
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| Kourtney and Khloe may take Miami, but someone needs to take a photoshop 101 class. |
The Miami Herald​ has sicced a lawyer on local blog Random Pixels for posting its shots of Dolphins cheerleaders, because, really, pix of hot chicks in miniskirts is pretty much the only hope that paper has left, and, got dang it, they'll fight tooth and nail for it.- Miami Social, perhaps the greatest show of all time about 30-something doing vaguely human-like things in Miami, came to end this week, probably for good. While Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, the greatest show of all time about 20-somethings who are famous because their sister has a giant ass doing things in Miami, just started. Oh also: Wearable Towels!
- A vegetarian automobile operator wanted her license plate to read ILVTOFU. But Florida said no, because they thought it meant she loved to copulate with people who are behind her in traffic.
- Shameless celeb news update: Amy Winehouse might be coming to Miami, while Jose Canseco is definitely going to fame whore hell. Paris Hilton had her day in court, and won.
- County execs sure seem to be driving some nice cars on Miami-Dade's dime.
- University of Miami is finally in the top 50 schools in the nation. They would throw a big party I'm sure, but they probably want to ditch the party school rep in hopes of going even higher next year.
- Sid Rosenberg is coming to WQAM to bore you with NY sports talk and shock you with off-color comments.
- The former vice prez of Peru's father was possible married against his will by some lady, and is being held captive on Key Biscayne.
- A Miami man set a record for credit card data theft! But, he's a sad, helpless internet addict.
- An army vet in Miami fires the first lawsuit shot against the VA for infecting him and others with HIV.
Friday, Aug. 14 2009 @ 6:00PM
Friday, Jul. 31 2009 @ 6:00PM
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| via yrrek's Flickr |
| Did you know a red hot poker is type of plant? We did not until we tried to find a photo for this post. |
​Allegedly foul-mouthed Herald reporter Carol Rosenberg sure pissed off a Navy Commander Jeff Gordon with insinuations about shoving red hot pokers up his ass, for fun!, or something. They both seem like jerks in this situation, but who is the bigger jerk: Gordon or Rosenberg? This is not to say jerks can't be fine reporters or navy commanders, though. - We are the laziest city in America when it comes to volunteering. For shame. Can't we follow this guys lead? Whatever, we are probably too busy growing indoor pot to volunteer.
- Michael Vick will not be playing in Miami, which, if you ask us is a good thing. Lamar Odom won't be playing in Miami either, which is probably a not such a good thing. Satchel Paige did play in Miami, and it was a very interesting thing.
- That super discounted PS3 you found on Craigslist: it is probably just someone trying to rob you. On the plus side: it's like having a real life Grand Theft Auto experience.
- We uncovered a devious Soviet plot this week on Miami Social.
- We are pretty sure every gym in Miami, at one point or another, has employed someone who's done gay porn, but is it appropriate at the Police Athletic League? Speaking of employment appropriateness, when is it cool to hire the Mayor's campaign manager? Can we hire the Mayor's campaign manager to do gay porn?
- 41 South Floridians have been charged for mortgage fraud.
- We prepared a cute gift basket for the City of Miami's 113th b-day.
- Mr. Clucky did not have a very good week in court. Can't a cock catch a break?
Friday, Jul. 24 2009 @ 5:31PM
Friday, Jul. 17 2009 @ 5:34PM
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| Jipsy |
| Check our Swim Week photo collection here. |
Something purporting to be a television program called Miami Social infected airwaves this week. We introduced you to the cast, and they proceeded to do nothing. Though, the show seems to be less infectious than Swine Flu. Also, Glenn Garvin made a funny joke, that makes us love him, that is until he writes his next weird libertarian political missive.- The County may just cut there entire arts and culture budget, because it's not nearly as important as pleasing a shitty baseball team with a new stadium and things like that. This is a horrible thing, and you should write your commissioner.
- Swim Fashion Week has come to Miami Beach. Pretty ladies walking around in bikinis. Business as usual.
- A former Heat player has a big gambling bill, presumably because daddy needed a new pair of shoes. A current Heat player gets a new pair of shoes.
- Justice is moving swiftly in the sad case of a double murder of two north Florida parents who raised 17 children.
- Bill Nelson wants these mother fucking snakes out of these mother fucking Everglades.
- Civics section: George Burgess isn't great at doing math. The city of Miami is bleeding money. Cindy Ledderman got demoted. The identity of a cop who shot a suspect was revealed. A security guard gets fired for talking to us.
- Miami Beach rebounded from a bad breakup with Frank Gehry, and shacked up with a hot, young Dutch company.
- Maria Salas is returning to TV! Señor Bale!
- Finally, a "castle" on Miami Beach burnt to the ground and we watched. It was more exciting than Miami Social.
Friday, Jul. 10 2009 @ 5:56PM
Friday, Jun. 26 2009 @ 5:51PM
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| photo via JustJared |
| Photographer (and Miami resident) Bruce Weber shot Michael Jackson back in 2007 for the cover of L'Uomo Vogue. It was one of the pop icon's last major photo shoots. |
RIP Michael Jackson. RIP urban legend that Thriller was shot in Coconut Grove.- Some tabloid claimed Alberto Cutié is gay, but he, obviously, denied this. In fact, he's getting married to a real life lady tonight, in a church.
- Gloria Estefan bought a small piece of the Miami Dolphins, because she loves the sports.
- Danielle Staub's court records were made public, but she did the unthinkable, and started making amends with Dina! Woah-M-G! Scott Storch will probably be our next favorite Miami-related Reality TV train-wreck.
- Burger King wants the good people of Singapore to get down on their knees, open their mouth, and take their seven incher in their hungry mouths. Meanwhile, Burger King's American ad company isn't selling as many burgers and they should be.
- Perez Hilton had a horrible week. He got punched for calling Will.i.am a faggot, and expected everyone to feel bad for him. But even GLAAD was pissed. At the end of the week his website was down, because he said some horrible things about Michael Jackson.
- Shaq's Star Island mansion finally sold for $16 million to Naomi Campbell's boyfriend of all people.
- Iconic AM radio host Neil Rogers has officially retired, and apparently a lot of people should be fucked because of it.
- It is probably best to avoid the cuisine at El Toro Taco if you value your life.
- A lab in Florida made a potential HIV breakthrough. Meanwhile, young HIV+ people in Miami are finding support in each-other.
- The New mayor of North Miami is in a bit of ethics trouble.
- Marco Rubio got endorsed by Mike Huckabee, which, is mostly irrelevant.
Friday, Jun. 19 2009 @ 4:00PM
Riptide had an insane week, and in case you missed anything, here are all the highlights. Perhaps you can use them to make small talk with your dad on Father's day.
Friday, Jun. 12 2009 @ 5:30PM
In honor of
New Times Best of Miami issue, we've decided to wrap up things on Riptide this week by awarding our posts this weeks with completely meaningless merits. Click through to find out who wins. I'm sure you'll be super surprised.
Friday, Jun. 5 2009 @ 6:00PM
- Dwyane Wade's former business partner has been talking crap about him to anyone who would listen, so Wade had no choice but to play defense and file a libel suit.
- The details of the Real Housewives of New Jersey's Danielle Staub's torrid early years in Miami just gets weirder and weirder: first it was revealed she was dating a columbian drug lord with a penchant for kidnapping, then her ex-husband claimed she provided some services of the escort variety for Don Johnson.
- There was an erie incidence of body parts washing up on our shores this week. Police have identified the victim, but more and even more bags keep washing up.
- Mr. Clucky, the famed rooster of Miami Beach, is being ordered out of town because Miami Beach does not like cocks of his variety.
- The Cat Killer strikes again and his bounty was raised, meanwhile a Broward cat killer may have emerged as well.
- All that bottle service and VIP service have left this city full of broke jokes. We may be first rate debtors, but we're only a second-tier city state.
- An assistant state Attorney for Miami-Dade punched a pizza lady because she couldn't figure out how to get into the fortress of a gated community he lives in.
- Kimbo Slice is going to take a crack at the UFC, but on their reality TV show. Oh, how the might have fallen.
- There is too much teacher sex in Florida.
- Why won't Joe Scarborough talk about that time he defended a guy who killed an abortion doctor?
- Most Americans don't want to close Guantanmo Bay, but look there's a video game in the works.
- Esteban Cortazar is frankly disgusted with Lindsay Lohan, and he doesn't care if it costs him his job.
- We started a 305 photo of the day feature, and inadvertently went a lil' animal crazy: motherly chickens, cute little sea horses, and majestic gulls.
Friday, May. 29 2009 @ 5:55PM
Friday, May. 22 2009 @ 5:58PM
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| We are trying not to give up at 6:00pm on a Friday afternoon, but sorry this is the picture. |
- A bunch of cats are being killed down there in South-Dade, but luckily are own Magic City Kitty has escaped the murder's open legs.
- John Wall went to Kentucky, while Robert Marve picked purdue.
- Adam Lambert is a secret chonga, which maybe explains why he did so well in Florida. Not well enough to win, but oh well.
- It was not a very good week for magazine: University of Miami banned an independent student publication from campus. The official student newspaper says it's justified, kind of ironic they don't want to stand up for press freedom though. Meanwhile, Trump died like so many Ocean Drive titles before it.
- Bye bye, The Fashion Show's Markus.
- Bill McCollum entered the Governor's race with his surprising finance director.
- CFO 2010: Manny Diaz or Annette Taddeo?
- Health care in Miami is really expensive, blame retirees.
- It's a bird, it's a plane, it's 1940's era Superman cartoons!
- Happy Memorial Day Weekend: Watch out for the police, and the rain.
- We wrote this weird thing about celebrity stadiums. Well, we thought it was funny.
- Paging Mr. Dwyane Wade, excuse me, Mr. Sponge Bob.
- Larry King: Lucky at the Calder race track, and secret father to Larry King Jr.
Friday, May. 15 2009 @ 6:03PM
This was a week where people were just trying to figure out where they belong. It was an awkward thing to watch, like tweens on their first day of middle school figuring out which lunch table to sit at.
- Jason Taylor knew deep, deep down that his heart belonged to Miami, and he was willing to come back at whatever (super reduced) price.
- Charlie Crist decided that he belonged far, far away from Florida in the US Senate. He will probably get there, sorry Marco Rubio. So the only question now is where he'll keep his tan up?
- Alex Sink decided she belonged in the Governor's mansion, but Bill McCullom will probably decide that, too. They wouldn't make very good roommates. A bunch of other people jockeyed for position too, but that list of links would run far too long.
- Father Cutié's heart belongs to some lady.
- Hookers belong in a new section on Craiglist, where they are not technically advertising that they're hooker, but everyone knows they're still hookers.
- John Wall needs to decide if he's going to break and enter into the Miami Hurricanes basketball program, while Robert Marve is thinking that he belongs in Knoxville.
- Kimbo Slice meanwhile thinks he belongs in the boxing ring.
- Fidel Castro thinks swine flu does not belong in Cuba, but it's the Mexicans fault for loving Obama soooo much.
- The hides of endangered animals however belong on the back of said animals, not on a boat. They are not T-Pain and Aady Samberg, sorry.
- Hugo Chavez's ears and mouth belong next to a penis.
- Oh, and Exxxotica video.
Friday, May. 8 2009 @ 6:20PM
- Shocking horrible news this week that is tearing apart Miami at it's very seems: a grown man touched a lady once, and it was photographed! The horror! Not just any man of course, but a celebrity priest. First, a Mexican tabloid released photos of Father Cutié frolicking on a beach with a lady. Within the day he had resigned. People literally got into fist fights over whether or not the Catholic Church should still enforce clerical celibacy, but I thought people should also get into fist fights over ordaining woman and recognizing homosexuality as something other than a sin. Then, for whatever reason, the lady's address was printed in the newspaper. Cutié, meanwhile, will give his first TV interview about the incident to an ol' family friend on Monday.
- Then there was the real travesty this week: Landshark Stadium. There's a horrible logo, and horrible plans for a themed stadium in the works. Curse you Jimmy Buffet.
- Speaking of the destructive powers of soft rock, Lt. Gov. Kottkamp is glad you picked up the cost for his travel to a Kenny Loggins concert.
- Manny Ramirez was suspended for 50 games, which eased the pain of the Marlins not signing him. Of course, he probably got the drugs from a Miami doctor. Jose Conseco may no more, but no one cares.
- Speaking of things no one cares about anymore, we finally have two confirmed cases of swine flu in Miami-Dade.
- Jackson Memorial will put your mentally ill children in shackles, but you can always suit them.
- A male student at a Christian college was suspended for repeatedly taking it in the behind on camera, occasionally in Miami. While another porn star got in a fight with Howard Stern.
- Unfortunately for our porn stars, another type of butt injection is in right now.
- What I say about Selena Robert's A-Rod book is very important.
Friday, May. 1 2009 @ 6:03PM
- What a roller coaster this swine flu, excuse me, H1N1 is: First someone jumped the gun on reporting the first case in Florida, a lady traveled through Miami carrying the virus, then 20 suspected cases in Miami-Dade were sent for testing. None of those came back positive, but two others in Florida did.
- Last weekend Bea Arthur, the actress behind one of Miami's favorite fictional residents, passed away. No, it was not from swine flu. And, yes, Bea, thank you for being a friend.
- Speaking of pig-like menaces, Elaine Lancaster eloquently took Perez Hilton to task over his Miss California remarks.
- We also learned this week that A-Rod has bitch tits. Also, maybe he did steroids in high school, but more importantly: bitch tits.
- Tally tried to put Christ on a cross on a license plate. We wondered why Jesus couldn't atleast look happy on the license plate, but it seems he won't face the indignity of being placed on the back of a beat up '94 Dodge Neon after all.
- Bestiality will probably remain legal in Florida.
- Jeb Bush will travel the country with his friends ragalling wing nuts in tales of Republican make believe. No Charlie Crists allowed. He's too friendly with Obama, even if the Democrats forgot.
- Wackenhut is wacking the county's hut in the form of a lawsuit.
- The Marlins lost for a long, long time, and then won again. Meanwhile, Isiah Thompas is kind of a dick. Then again, so are most higher ups at FIU.
- A CBS4 report took some heat for maybe, possibly causing a shooting in Liberty City. So CBS4 just edited it on their website. There, all better now.
- Adam Hasner is the kind of guy who would walk out the funeral for a Muslim swine flu victim if there was prayer involved.
- Oh, and regardless of swine flu, there's a real pandemic going on: HIV. It would be nice if President Obama did something about.
Friday, Mar. 27 2009 @ 6:04PM
Anyway, enjoy your WMC/Ultra Music Festival/Miami Masters/Various Fashion Shows Weekend Everybody!
Friday, Mar. 13 2009 @ 6:12PM
Friday, Jan. 30 2009 @ 5:31PM
- Karl Rove in the flesh got some UM co-eds very excited. The possibility of spectators in nothing but flesh was the death nail in the coffin of the Lingerie Bowl. Meanwhile, fleshy, nudist tourists are an important part of our economy.
- On the Dem side, Tampa's Mayor might run for Senate, but Alan Boyd won't. Bill McCullom doesn't want to lose his third Senate race. But, some ex-New Hampshire Senator may be interested, because he apparently enjoys losing so much.
- Jeff McInnis, New Times' official "Hot Chef of Our Dreams" was not the chef of Top Chef's dreams, but they did find him very hot. Maybe the Dolphin's ex-Cheerleaders will have better luck on The Amazing Race.
- Under-the-bridge makeshift homesteads may be the only real estate in demand in Miami-Dade, but only pedophiles need apply.
- Transexual identifying individuals only have three places to pee.
- Some shady deal making may be limiting your choices for luggage wrapping at M.I.A., or maybe not. Got it?
- Matt Damon partied with hipsters, feuded with Bill Kristol, and generally had a very bad week.
- The Miami Herald had the worst online ad/content synergy ever, and another ing-sensitive headline.
- And, Borward Mayor Stacy Ritter wanted to remind you again and again and again that New Times papers are only good for finding penis pumps and male prostitutes. But at least our columnists don't have a median age of 73.
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