Get Healthy With New Wonder Diet Of Fake Butter, Beef Jerky, And Pork Rinds

Categories: The Critic
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The Miami Herald Death Page, also known as the Nutrition section, this past week paid homage to chemical-packed butter blends, pork rinds, and other foods that will just make you feel naturally good all over.

The Supermarket Sleuth compared the relative deliciousness and nutrition of Smart Balance, Country Crock, and I Can't Fucking Believe It's Not Butter. The results were astonishing: The panel of Herald taste experts found that cookies made from 50-50 butter blends "weren't as buttery tasting" as the those made with 100% butter.

On the same page the Nutrition Quiz based its' weekly questionnaire on a recent Men's Health magazine article called Top 5 Junk Foods That Are Good For You. Pork rinds topped the list,  cited health aspects being that it contains less fat than peanuts, more protein than a scrambled egg, was President George H.W. Bush's favorite food, and it can be used for fish bait. The other four "healthy" junk foods on the list were chocolate bars, sour cream, beef jerky and alcohol (which I never quite thought of as junk food).

We look forward to next week's Death Page, which will shine a light on the countless nutritional benefits accrued when sticking to a strict diet of Velveeta, Spam, and Marshmallow Fluff.
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