Top 10 Hypothetical South Beach Wine & Food Fest Media Disasters

Ze paparazzi will be out in force.
The South Beach Wine & Food Festival is almost here, and that means an orgiastic horde of mostly out-of-town drunks on the shores of Miami Beach concerned with nothing but food, drink, sex, celebrity, their cell phone cameras, and Twitter.

With that in mind, here's our Top 10 list of hypothetical disasters that could mar the otherwise wholesome and spotless public images of your favorite TV food personalities. This is a parody.

10. Paula Deen and Guy Fieri Make a Sex Tape


Eeeewwww, gross, but with cougarism being so accepted nowadays and liquor flowing as freely as it will be at our own Miami New Times Luna en Fuego closing party, not impossible. Anyway, we all know they'll both do anything to get in the spotlight.

9. The Neelys' Drunken Quarrel on Ocean Drive

It all starts when Pat Neely catches Gina giving out her phone number to the bouncer at Club Mansion.

Later, they're crossing Ocean Drive to get to the beach and he snags her phone, checks the outgoing text messages, and sees something about a slice of that sweet potato pie.

The Neelys go off on each other in our beautiful Miami light that cameras love as a crowd of tourists gathers to post it all online in a matter of minutes.

Catch the Neelys live at the Whole Foods Grand Tasting Village.

8. Anthony Bourdain Punches a Cop

So Anthony Bourdain shouldn't be drunk-driving a rental scooter with a bikini girl on his lap and a skateboarder hanging on to the bumper when he double--parks in front of a fire hydrant.

He shouldn't have crossed the bridge to Overtown and scored a bag of coke either.

But that doesn't mean he wouldn't hypothetically punch a Miami Beach cop in the nose for not letting him off the hook.

If any of that stuff does happen, he should definitely say, "I'm Anthony Bourdain, bitch! That's how I roll."

7. Rachael Ray Goes Sunbathing Topless

This is 2010. What happens on South Beach does not stay on South Beach; it hits the Internet running and doesn't stop.

Which isn't to say that Rachael Ray topless-sunbathing pictures would be a disaster. In fact, millions of people would love to see her hoo-hahs.

But if she doesn't wanna get caught in the act, she better have a better plan than a hat over her eyes, because the flash-bulbers will most definitely be on her tail all weekend.

6. Bobby Flay Caught With Booger Flapping in His Nose 
There's a certain kind of booger called a flapper. It's kind of stringy, kind of solid. One end stays glommed onto the inside of your nostril; the other hangs loose.

Every breath you take sends it flapping in the breeze.

Wouldn't it be hilarious if Bobby Flay had a flapper during a cooking demo and it got caught on camera in high-definition video?

Yes, yes, it would.

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