Miller Lite Puts a Vortex in Your Mouth

​It's not as if carb-counting yuppies really need another reason to enjoy the 96-calorie, piss-colored wonder of Miller Lite. It's cold. It's crisp. It instantly satisfies that deep, preternatural thirst that we all have for mass-produced American pilsner. But have you ever noticed how hard it is to get out of the bottle?

Actually, we hadn't either. Apparently, though, the simple act of pouring beer from a bottle is a big problem for some people. So much so, MillerCoors of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, felt an immediate need to invent the new Vortex Bottle, a revolutionary innovation that will forever change the way humankind fills its mouths and glasses. According to the official literature, "the Miller Lite Vortex Bottle features specially designed grooves that allow the great pilsner taste to flow right out." You know, as opposed to staying eternally trapped inside its rigid container.

Anyway, MillerCoors does more than just problem-solving. The brewing behemoth does fundraising, too. And recently, Miller Lite's promotional teams hooked up with Miami Heat dancers to launch the Vortex Bottle, throwing a bunch of autograph sessions and raising a grand total of $2000 to benefit the Miami Heat Charitable Fund and its summer programs for South Florida children.

Hmm ... That's nice 'cause helping kids is good and all. But what about people who can't pour well? They need more than just a vortex in their mouth. They need charity, too.