Gotham Steak's Cote De Boeuf is a Pricey Five-Pound Meal

If you're not a subscriber to our weekly Café Bites dining newsletter, here's a taste of what you're missing. Click here to subscribe.

Courtesy of Fontainebleau Miami Beach

Gotham Steak's $250 cote de boeuf.

​Were you born with a platinum spoon in your mouth and an American Express Centurion card in your pocket?

Do you live in a mansion only slightly smaller than the entire state of Rhode Island, with a moat and drawbridge and security thugs as big as dumptrucks to keep the peasants from soiling your lawn?

Do you drive a stretched Hummer that guzzles gas like Cristal and crushes puny compacts and Priuses like peanut shells?

Does the term "social responsibility" make you want to hurl all over your hand-tailored Armani?

Then, brother, has Gotham Steak got a deal for you.

Alfred Portale's grand luxe meatery in SoBe's uber-posh Fontainebleau Hotel is now offering something called cote de boeuf: a five-pound, double-cut monster of a ribeye steak that's carved at your table after being caressed by virgins who will then be put to death in the restaurant's deep fryer so their hands will never touch any other meat than yours.

Okay, so that last part isn't true. But the price is: 250 big ones. About what you spend each week to keep your $500 Ferragamos polished to shine that can blind mere mortals who look at them directly. Sure, it's supposed to be shared among one or two other diners, but you don't believe in sharing, do you?

Just order a bottle of Bordeaux whose mark-up alone could feed a family of four for a week and then go club some baby seals or something.

Bon appetit!