Five Stoli Losers Who Wouldn't Drink With Themselves

Stoli

​Stolichnaya, the famous Russian vodka, is hunting for the next Stoli Original. The theme: "Would You Have a Drink With You?" To win, all you have to do is submit an audition tape online. The public will then vote on which video has the most "flavor." The winner will be announced on December 14. He or she will not only appear in 2011 digital advertisements, but will also win $25,000.

In the ad campaign's honor, Short Order has compiled a list of people who would never agree to have a drink with themselves. Call em self-loathers, teetotalers or just plain dirtballs, they just couldn't stand to get tanked in their own presence.

wikimedia commons

​Woody Allen is the most obvious choice for self-loathing, pathetic, non-drinking buddy. He'd rather romp with the younger girls (like, say, 35 years younger and probably related) or cheat on girlfriends like Diane Keaton or Mia Farrow. (Remember Soon-Yi Previn?) He wouldn't even like himself if he had to take a toot with himself.

wikimedia commons

​Mark Sanford, former Governor of South Carolina, is quite the magician. He disappeared with his Argentine lover, María Belén Chapur, without anyone knowing. Of course once he was discovered, he fell all over himself and became a blathering idiot. Hate to be the guy next to him at the bar while he's drunk, talking about where his "midlife crisis" went wrong. Nobody would drink with this guy. Definitely not himself.

wikimedia commons

​George W. Bush used to drink, and boy, we can only imagine that! However, since 1986 he has sworn off alcohol, so he'd be a dud sipping on ginger ale. Moreover, can you imagine having to listen to that Axis of Evil stuff all over again. No? Well, imagine if you had to listen to yourself repeat all the vapid drivel this loser said in the Oval Office.

wikimedia commons

​Naomi Campbell is one tough cookie. She must be a mean drunk. Hell, she might be cute, but she has beat people to a bloody pulp while sober. Can you imagine her sitting alone in a bar drunk chatting with herself...then slugging and choking herself. Yikes! Hmm, or maybe not yikes.

wikimedia commons

​Mel Gibson is, well...do we really even have to say it? With his track record of blatant homophobia, domestic violence, racism and not to forget, alcoholism, he clearly wouldn't sit down with his Australian self. He just has to abuse somebody else.