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Doof Glob: The Food Blog For Dyslexics (Plus Other Niche Ideas)

Categories: The Critic
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​There are food blogs aplenty in this land, and lots of niches have been covered. Locally, locavores can dig Mango & Lime, carnivores congregate at The Burger Beast, and French Fry Fairy appeals to fairies -- or maybe to those who like fried potatoes. I never have been able to figure that one out. But the point is, there remain small pockets of food enthusiasts with more specialized information needs. We've got some ideas on how to remedy that:

  • Walgreens Meals On Wheels: For all those sad people who do their weekly grocery shopping at this chain pharmacy. I know these folks exist, because I am seemingly always stuck in line behind them and their overflowing baskets of Campbell's soup, bologna, Wonder Bread, powdered donuts and so forth, when all I want is to purchase a pack of mints. This site would allow them to order the stuff online for home delivery.
  • PRBS Miami: Where all of the press announcements regarding unbelievably fabulous new restaurants and brilliant new chefs can be published verbatim as they are first released by the various public relations agencies. True, this would knock many local food blogs out of business, but at least those readers who seek overblown hype would be able to find it all assembled in one place.
  • Hospital Cafeteria Roundup: What will fill the void when the luster fades from our current infatuation with food truck courts? Hospital cafeterias share many of the same characteristics, like affordably priced hamburgers, sandwiches, tacos, fried foods, and soft-serve ice cream served by minimum-wage workers. Except there's better seating at hospital cafeterias. This site will direct readers to those medical centers with the best food; give tips such as how to bring your own cup to get free soda from the machines; and offer Google maps of the hospital hallways to help you avoid running into sick people on your way to the dining room.
  • What's Belkys Eating?: A crack team of gastro-stalkers will follow around WSVN 7 News anchor Belkys Nerey as she goes out to eat, and relay detailed reports on what she takes in for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. For Belkys fans only!
  • What's Michael Putney Eating?: A spin-off for older diners.
  • The Puffington Post: Few ingredients make it onto as many menus as puff pastry. That means diners must like it, yet nobody ever writes about it. This blog could provide continuously updated listings of the hundreds of restaurants where locals can find appetizers and desserts prepared from mass-produced, frozen sheets of the traditional French pastry dough. Plus it would feature professional tips from heralded pastry chefs, such as "How To Make 'Homemade' Apple Tart Along With Big Profits": Remove one sheet of puff pastry from box. Top with sliced apples, sugar, and cinnamon. Bake at 425F for 20 minutes. Charge $9.
  • Feast Miami: A haphazard aggregate site with a muddled ratings system, for those food enthusiasts who crave confusion with their calories. Oh wait, sorry -- I've been informed we're too late on this one.
  • The Miami Masochist Dining Guide: Service at this city's restaurants can be horrendously poor, a condition most diners abhor. But not all diners. Wouldn't a masochist want to know where they are most likely to be served by waiters who enjoy telling their life story and most personal aspirations? Be rushed through the meal, but then be made to wait thirty minutes for the check? Be served confusing menus by waiters who don't have a clue as to what it all means? Of course they would! And with this site, they could easily thumb through hundreds of Miami dining establishments where their need to be treated shabbily will be more than satisfied. Remember: Masochists have to eat too.

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3 comments
Lee
Lee

Why thank you, Kate.

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