Candy We Don't Want to Find Easter Morning

Categories: Obscurity
easter speedy.jpg
All photos by Laine Doss
Run, bunny, run!
We're not sure exactly when Easter became the day to chomp the heads off innocent chocolate creatures of the forest, but that's what this holiday has evolved into. A recent trip to a megastore's candy aisle yielded a host of cringe-inducing products. Another Easter tradition is to hunt for treats, so let's hope we forget our contact lenses the big day.

easter reester.jpg
Get it? They're not Easter bunnies -- they're Reester Bunnies! Ha, ha! Isn't that funny? That's what we call a "play on words" in marketing terms. I'm sorry... Did you say I was fired?

easter dude.jpg
Do I look like Peter F**ckin' Rabbit to you, motherf**ker?

easter grass.jpg
Ummm, rainbow-flavored grass. Stoner food disguised as kiddie treats.

easter cow bunny.jpg
Nothing says "yummy" more than farm animals crapping for your eating enjoyment.

easter cry baby.jpg
Pssst. Hey, Timmy. So Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce. Buck up and eat your Easter candy, you whiner!

easter snapapart.jpg
The perfect bunny for little bullies. Even easier than pulling the wings off flies.

easter carrots.jpg
What sick, twisted PETA-loving, tree-hugging, hippy-dippy freak of a parent would give their child chocolate carrots for Easter?

easter hollow.jpg
This bunny is all for having a good time, but where will he be when you're all alone and afraid of the boogeyman? Probably partying on South Beach, while you're afraid of the dark. Why? Because he's hollow!

easter swedish.jpg
Note to Swedish Fish: Steve Martin already did the bunny ears back in the '70s.

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I thought the story was very clever. Bravo!


AHAHAHA. I get it. Supposed clever comments on a seemingly random assortment of Easter candies. Right? Wrong. This article sucks, and half of the candy on this list is delicious. Laine Doss, whoever you are, I have one word for you: Boo.


I want to see Frank (From Donnie Darko) done in chocolate

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