Republican Presidential Candidates As Foods

J. Kenji Lopez-Alt

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Governor Rick Perry!

​Barbara Walters once infamously asked Katherine Hepburn: "If you were a tree, what kind would it be?" It is in that spirit that we attempt to figure out: If each Republican Presidential candidate were a food, what kind would he or she be?

(Let us assure any Republican readers who may end up being offended, that we at Short Order are in tune with the rest of the country -- meaning contemptible of both parties. Wait 'till you see what comestibles we come up with for the Democrats in 2016!)

Just to make it more interesting, we'll rank the candidates according to their chances of eventually securing the Republican nomination.

7. Newt Gingrich: Prickly pear. This large, pear-shaped politician -- er, fruit, bears substantive flavor, but you'd better be careful: There are sharply barbed bristles that are a real turn-off to most consumers.

6. Herman Cain: A pizza for sure. Make it a large. What else would the former chairman and CEO of Godfather's Pizza be? Unfortunately it is a pie loudly garnished with slices of baloney, a combination that doesn't appeal to many Americans.

5. Rick Santorum: A slice of white bread spread with Miracle Whip. All Republicans are, at heart, white bread, but the former Senator from Pennsylvania has been coming across as the most bland white candidate of the batch (deftly occupying Senator Pawlenty's empty pantry space). The "Miracle" has religious connotations to match the man's religious fervor, and also signifies his chances of winning the nomination.

(As a side note -- not to put a damper on anyone's appetite -- but did you know the word "santorum" means "the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex"? Neither did I until I Googled Rick Santorum's name, and the definition is right there).

4. Ron Paul: An honest plate of meat and potatoes. Very substantial. Plus many folks are very enthusiastic about this sensible meal. Problem is, the fermented squid guts garnish atop the meat and potatoes is taken by many Americans as odd and more than a bit unsettling.

3. Michelle Bachmann: A jar of Marmite. It comes attractively packaged, but once you open  the jar of meatless spread, the essence is thoroughly unpalatable to most people living in this country. The Congresswoman from Minnesota, however, might consider a future run in New Zealand.

2. Rick Perry: A big Texas country ham. Wow -- looks good! The glaze is so shiny and bold! (although one thing is for sure: No Muslim or Jew is going to buy this). Uh-oh...seems like this ham comes from a pig with swine flu. Very very dangerous. Stay away!

1. Mitt Romney: A brick of tofu. Comes soft, medium, and firm, but most often soft. Bland and insipid, it has no identifying flavor of its own; you have to spin it to your own personal taste to make it acceptable. Still, for these very reasons it may prove to be the most alluring option on the menu.

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