Second Career Ideas For 10 Miami Chefs

Categories: The Critic
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With the news that former Pacific Time chef/owner Jonathan Eismann is now a realtor, it seemed like an opportune time to reflect upon potential second careers for other local chefs. After all, we know that the restaurant biz is a bitch, and dining establishments don't last forever, and...well, let's just say that I'd like to lend a helping hand in return to those who have cooked so many a fine meal for me over the years,

Towards this end, I've decided to become their guidance counselor and make a few job suggestions just in case they should ever need it:

Alberto Cabrera of The Local Craft Food & Drink: Traveling Salesman. He's worked at so many restaurants that the man has gotta be good at packing up and hitting the road.

Allen Susser: Body Double for Zach Galifianakis. In difficult times, we do what we have to do.

Savvy advice for Michael Schwartz, Michelle Bernstein, Dewey LoSasso and others follows...

Michael Schwartz of Michael's Genuine Food & Drink: Farmer or Retailer. The former because I can see Michael contentedly and knowledgeably working the land. The latter because he's Jewish and probably has the necessary connections.

Cindy Hutson of Ortanique on the Mile: Tarot Card Reader. She's got sort of that gypsy look going with the signature scarf on her head, long hair, earrings...plus, I suspect, she possesses something of a New Age/bohemian streak. It just seems right.

Jeff McInnis of upcoming Yardbird Southern Table & Bar: Gigolo. He'd clean up.

Richard Hales of Sakaya Kitchen: Bouncer or Bodyguard. Hales is stocky, muscular, got more tattoos on his body than the Louvre has paintings on its walls, and when he isn't smiling he looks like a mean son-of-a-bitch. Would you try to get past him at the door?

Michelle Bernstein of Michy's; Sra. Martinez:Late-Night TV Huckster for Ginsu Knives. She's got the TV chops already hosting Check, Please on PBS. Imagine: "Hi, I'm Michelle Bernstein, the former doyen of dining in South Florida. You know what made me a cut above the rest? My 3-Lazer Edge Miracle Blade Ginsu Knife Kit, and now it's yours for just $39.95..."

Tim Andriola of Timo Restaurant & Bar: Spy of Secret Shopper. Andriola was chef de cuisine at Chef Allen's for five years; executive chef at Mark's South Beach; and chef/owner of the acclaimed Timo since 2003. Yet most local foodies wouldn't recognize Tim if they passed him on the street. This suggests he'd be a good spy if he could find the work; if not, then the latter, less glamorous position would have to do.

Dewey LoSasso of The Forge: Studio Musician for Jimmy Buffett. Dewey is said to love playing guitar, and Buffett is one of the few Dewey-era musicians who record anywhere near here. The Margaritaville Man's music might not be LoSasso's "thing," but as another old-timer once noted: When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose.

Norman VanAken: Executive Chef at Miami Culinary Institute. With his extensive restaurant background and gastronomic knowledge he'd be a natural at ... Huh? You say this has come to pass? Wow, I'm pretty good at this guidance thing!

BTW: Is Norman's 180 still around?

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10 comments
Yo MAMA
Yo MAMA

You shouldn't shit where u eat. I hope every chef in south florida hocks one in your food for the rest of your life. When we open our place I will be the first to personally invite you over ; )

Mr Klein
Mr Klein

As you are a CIA alumni (presumably?), you, Mr. Klein, should get a second career that is in a kitchen, so you can have some idea of what all the people you bash are going through.

Please
Please

does new times have an editor?  please, please, please give a good food writer!

Mark
Mark

Alberto Cabrera should change his career now, he will probably do better.

Wow
Wow

is this a prank?  you, lee klein, are the biggest dumb sh** in the world.  im assuming your second career will be outside of this area, because you keep going down and down in my book.

madhatt3r1
madhatt3r1

Maybe you should consider a second career for yourself.... Might I suggest shoveling shit.... you already shovel tons writing this rag that you write!

reese
reese

i got a second career choice for ya...garbage collector...or maybe, a good writer!

Rlopez
Rlopez

You really are an ass!!!!

Fedealo
Fedealo

hm...aren't lists like this supposed to be funny, or even a little clever? maybe you should consider changing jobs...or just stick to critiquing food.  just a thought.

SnarkyMark
SnarkyMark

you should change your career to nuclear power plant custodian.  would be a perfect fit and little risk as you clearly have no tastebuds.

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