Valentine's Day For Cynics: The Ten Worst Candies

Categories: Holidays, Top List
All photos by Laine Doss
What happened to the cute puppy?
Remember when Valentine's Day was this sweet holiday where you gave your crush a pretty heart filled with chocolates? The heart would usually have a ribbon or some lace or a silk rose on it. Inside, the chocolates would be filled with cherries or caramel.

Those days are gone. We guess that since relationships aren't so simple anymore (how many of you out there have your Facebook relationship status on "it's complicated"?), it stands to reason that the days of the innocent little candy heart are gone!

You can still buy a candy heart for your sweetie - just be prepared to find declarations of greed or dark lords of the Sith instead of a teddy bear.  Here are the ten most cynical candy hearts we've found. If you get one of these, we suggest couples therapy immediately.

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10.Spongebob Squarepants
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea and is about as sexy as a case of herpes? Spongebob Squarepants, that's who. If that face doesn't give you nightmares, how about the subtle hint about what's inside? Come on -- isn't this the perfect way to tell someone that they might need to make an appointment at the free clinic to go with that other amazing gift -- a case of crabs?

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9. Oinking Pig
When giving Valentine's Day gifts, the following animals are good: puppies, kitties, and bunnies. Pigs, cows, and any other animal that infers weight gain or sagging breasts, not so good. What's next? A gift certificate to Jenny Craig? V-Day fail!

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Fucking funny!

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