Food Resolutions: What To Not Give Up In 2013

Categories: Holidays
lots of booze.jpg

With 2013 looming closer and New Year's resolutions dominating your drunken conversations, you're bound to start hearing blasphemous phrases like, "I'm going to stop drinking." Can someone get this guy a shot? He seems to have lost his mind.

About a quarter of American adults formed New Year's resolutions at the end of the Great Depression, according to Wikipedia. By the start of the 21st century, about 40 percent did. The question is, who actually keeps them? Well we can't tell you that, but we can tell you some things that are too good to give up in 2013, so don't even bother trying.

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Chances are after partying all night on NYE and kissing a stranger or two just so you have the alleged New Year's kiss, you'll wake up January 1 with a banging headache tied to the promise that you won't drink in 2013. Lies. All lies.

Has no one ever told you that the best cure for a hangover is a shot of what got you drunk in the first place? So since the world didn't end and we are alive to see 2013, celebrate by pouring yourself a drink and toasting to a year full of drinking. Take that, Mayans!


Contrary to popular belief, cheesy can be good. Most people give up cheese in efforts to lose weight because of its high fatty and dairy content, but just stop for a second and smell the cheese. Think of all the things you will be giving up by avoiding cheese. There's pizza, cheeseburgers, grilled cheese, cheesecake, lasagna, and a million other dishes, which a pinch or a pound of cheese is added to. Giving up cheese just seems like too much work, after all, cheese is part of American culture. So don't be anti-American. Be cheesy.


Yeah we know. Soda is bad for you. Soda makes America obese. Soda has no nutritional value and gives you weird fat in weird places.

But even knowing all those things soda is still too damn good to give up, like an explosion in a can waiting to be popped open and go off somewhere. Somewhere being your body. Who cares? Open happiness. Besides, what's a Cuba Libre without some cola? Or what are you supposed to have your cheesy pizza with if not soda - the perfect childhood meal. Now imagine if you had given up all three things up to now. You'd be eating water and crackers. Oh wait, no, crackers are in the bread food group, next on our list.

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