Miami Food Blog

​They had a sign up: the lobsters were flown in. How cruel is that? Think about that -- let's say you're a lobster, you've never been on an airplane before -- what else can you think, but you've won the lobster sweepstakes? ~Richard Jeni

With a wok, in the privacy of your home, you can create your own mediocre Chinese food for 50 cents less than ordering take-out. ~Todd Barry

Something always happens to let you know you're back in New York -- like the way people order in a restaurant: 'Could you take my order before Jesus gets back?' ~Darrell Hammond

Whenever I have food ordered  in, I try to decide what is the worst way to come to the door, and I've decided it's tied to a chair. ~Laura Kightlinger

My favorite cold cereal is Grape Nuts -- except lots of times I forget to put milk on them the night before I want to eat them. ~Frank Prinzi

​I was just walking down the street, and I saw this restaurant called McDonald's Express. Let's see if we can try to wrap our brains around this concept -- this is a McDonald's, only faster. So, obviously, the McDonald's corporation thinks there are people out there saying to themselves, 'God, I'd love to go to McDonald's, but who has the time?' ~Andy Borowitz

If a dolphin was ugly and tasted good, we'd be eating it by the truckload. No one would care. The only negative thing that ever happened to a tuna was it was born butt ugly and it mixes well with mayo. ~David Cross

If you go to the grocery store and stand in front of the lunch meat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna -- somebody needs to tell the turkeys, 'Man, just be yourself.' ~Mitch Hedberg

Fifty cents to use the pay toilets at Taco Bell. What's Taco Bell telling us when taking a dump is 50 cents, but a Fiesta Taco is 39 cents? What is that -- eat now, pay later? ~Kevin Kataoka

Thanks to Alex Izaguirre for the cool new Friday Food Funnies graphic

​Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. ~Fran Lebowitz

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds. ~Joan Rivers

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. ~Rita Rudner

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. ~Erma Bombeck

I like to have one martini, two at the very most... after three I'm under the table, after four I'm under the host!  ~Dorothy Parker

I don't know what they are, but they're deep-fried and you got twenty minutes to live after you eat one. ~Mel Brooks on the mini-latkes served at Junior's Deli in West Hollywood

Prices are just ridiculous. I went into a chicken place and spent ten dollars for a wing and a drumstick. It's the first time I ever paid an arm and a leg for an arm and a leg. ~Anonymous

I know a radical from Texas who holds the stock market in contempt but refuses to give up his seven shares of Dr Pepper, Dallas's answer to Beaujolais. He says that Dr Pepper, like the late President Eisenhower, is above politics. ~Calvin Trillin

You might as well give it a name. You might as well call it Murray, because it'll be with you for days after you eat it. ~Mel Brooks, on those same latkes.

What is fast food to a redneck? Hitting a dear at 65 mph.

I like White Castle but White Castle doesn't like me. ~Craig Hopson, chef at Le Cirque, N.Y.C.

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words."
So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.
"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.
The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the cup is clean!"
                 (Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "OK, I've got two teas. Which of you asked for the clean cup?"

How many waitresses does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. Two to stand around bitching about it and one to go get the manager.

Sid and Sy were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. "Sid," asked Sy, "Are there any Jews in Mexico?"
"I don't know," Sy replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Sy asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Mexican Jews."
"Are you sure?" Sy asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I can't believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews."
"Are you positive?" Sid said.
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied, exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "What can I do for you?" The duck says, "Get this man out of my ass!"

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Grasshopper walks into a bar. Barkeep says "We've got a drink named for you." Grasshopper says "Why would anybody name a drink 'Irving'"?

What do old people taste like? Depends.

Four Jewish women are sitting in a restaurant. The waiter comes by and asks, "Is anything alright?"

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker enter a restaurant in London. "Excuse me, but if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to mad cow disease," says the waiter.
The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip. He hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place where he can get a pizza.
The concierge tells him he will call for delivery to his room and takes his order.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up. The businessman takes the pizza and starts sneezing uncontrollably.
He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "Just what you ordered -- pepper only."

It's gotten to the point now that you can go into any fast food place, and you can find out what kind of neighborhood you're in just by the ethnic group that works there. It's like, if Chinese people work there, you're in a Chinese neighborhood. If black people work there, you're in a black neighborhood. If white people work there, you're in Utah. ~Richard Trask

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there.  A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it.  He says, "What's wrong with you?  We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."
   
A woman walks into this diner, sits at the counter, and orders a hamburger. The waitress behind the counter bellows, "One burger!" Ed the cook, an obese, skeevy-looking man, screams, "Bur-ger!", whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
The woman says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen."
The waitress replies, "Oh yeah? That's nothing. You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

Two cannibals, a father and a son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.  Before long, this little old man walked by.  The son said "Ooh Dad, there's one!"
"No," said the father, "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We'll just wait."     
A little while later, along came this really overweight man.  The son said, "Hey Dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," said the father, "We'll all die of a heart attack from the fat on that one.  We'll just wait."     
About an hour later, this absolutely gorgeous woman passed by.  The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one, Dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father, "We will not eat her either." 
"Why not?"  asked the son. 
"Because we are going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
 

Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

Do cannibals get hungry one hour after eating a Chinese person?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, it probably needs a little more time in the microwave. ~Lori Dowdy

This weeks' Friday Food Funnies doesn't have anything to do with food, but my head is still on a Jamaican vacation of sorts. The video starts getting funny around the 58-second mark -- presumably as the ganja starts kicking in:

The Tummy Trilogy, the 1994 compilation of Calvin Trillin's three food books (American Fried; Alice, Let's Eat; and Third Helpings), contains enough funny -- and brilliant -- observations on eating to fill Friday Food Funnies for years. There is certainly no other food writer that can play on the same turf as Trillin when it comes to humor, and few that can match his writing skills.

Here he bemoans the democratic means of ordering food in Chinese restaurants, where each person at the table gets to pick a dish that everyone else has to share:

In my vision of purgatory, the Devil tells me that I am about to eat eternally in the best Chinese restaurant that has ever existed -- with, of course, a couple of qualifications. My dining partners will be seven of those basebal players who always used to be described in the sports magazines as "strictly meat-and-potatoes men." They will do all the ordering for the table. I will not be allowed to indicate my preferences by word or gesture. "Maybe we should have some of that chop-suey stuff," one of them says, as I see an entire carp being carried by, floating in a sauce whose aroma alone makes me weak.
"That stuff's too gooey," a large first baseman says. "You think they have any plain chicken?"

This week, in place of our usual fall-off-the-chair funny jokes, we've plucked some witty definitions from The Food Snob's Dictionary by David Kamp and Marion Rosenfeld.

Bánh mí-Long an unremarkable if satisfying staple of Asian street food, the bánh mí has recently emerged as a fetish object for Caucasian Sandwich Snobs.

Chioggia beet-Chioggias are a popular ingredient in $15 designer salads because of the concentric circles of red and white that they reveal when cut open, evoking Op Art and the Target logo.

Crépinette-Small French sausage that confuses people who think that they have ordered a tiny crêpe.

Curnonsky-Pen name of Maurice Edmond Sailland (1872-1956), the premier French food writer of his time...Morbidly obese at the end of his life, he died when, one summer day, he leaned too far out a window, tipped over, and landed with a splat on the street below.

Omakase-The omakase meal, with its triple-digit price tag, businessman demographic, and strange air of simultaneous intimacy and awkwardness between host and guest, is the closest gastronomical approximation of the escort-john experience.

Yuzu...now being abused willy-nilly by Western chefs in their fusion experiments -- though the fruit lost some of its Snob cachet when it became an ingredient in an aromatherapy body wash for sale on QVC.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. ~Woody Allen

Now that it's fashionable to reveal intimate details of married life, I can state publicly that my wife, Alice, has a weird predilection for limiting our family to three meals a day. ~Calvin Trillin

In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, "Sorry, we're open." ~Roseanne Barr

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting. ~Andy Rooney

I saw a wino eating grapes, and I said "Dude - you've got to WAIT."  ~Mitch Hedburg

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... ~Brian Kiley

The murals in restaurants are on par with the food in museums. ~Peter De Vries

I never eat in a restaurant that's over a hundred feet off the ground and won't stand still. ~Calvin Trillin

The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?" ~Erma Bombeck

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. ~Fran Lebowitz

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. ~Milton Berle

There's a pizza place near where I live that only sells slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. ~Steven Wright

Candy Corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn ever made was made in 1911. ~Lewis Black

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said "You should force yourself!"  ~Henny Youngman

Before judging a thin man, one must get some information. Perhaps he was once fat. ~Fernand Point

Rice is good when you're really hungry and want to eat a thousand of something. -Mitch Hedberg

Sign on bakery window: Cake 66 cents; upside-down cake 99 cents.

Diner: Waiter, do you have any lobster tails?
Waiter: Certainly, sir. Once upon a time there was a little lobster...

Sign at dairy farm: You can whip our cream, but you can't beat our milk.

One thing is for certain about organic farms: They till it like it is.

Did you hear about the submarine sandwich shop? It went under.

He always ate his burgers plain and gave his condiments to the chef.

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work for McDonald's.

Do you know on this one block in New York you can buy croissants in five different places? There's one store called Bonjour Croissant. It makes me want to go to Paris and open a store called Hello Toast. ~Fran Lebowitz

Sixteen years ago, a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered this bakery and confronted the baker with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it. He offered to provide her with free loaves of bread until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the bread each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the baker with a smile. "I've been counting too. Tell your mother, when you take this loaf of bread home, that it is the last loaf of bread she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home, he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the baker and tell him I have also had free meat, free milk, and free health care for the past 16 years, and watch the expression on his face!" ~Unknown

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?  ~Steven Wright

Children were lined up for lunch in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school. At the head of the table was a large tray of bread slices. The nun posted a sign on the bread tray: "Take only one. God is watching." Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another: "Take all you want. God is watching the bread."  ~Unknown

A rather profound compendium of funnies this week:

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. ~Groucho Marx

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, 'I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.' The waitress replies, 'I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?'  ~Unknown

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. ~Douglas Adams

A billion hours ago, human life appeared on earth. A billion minutes ago, Christianity emerged. A billion Coca-Colas ago was yesterday morning. ~ Unknown

Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks. ~Marilyn Wann

The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world. ~Robert Orben

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~Steven Wright

He passed away a year ago this month. Here are some of his observations on culinary matters:

'Fussy eater' is a euphemism for 'big pain in the ass'.

Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!'

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

I can't eat frog's legs. What do they do with the rest of the frog? Do they put it on a little dolly and send it out into the world?

Tomatoes don't look right. On the outside they're fine, but you look inside and something has gone afoul. It doesn't look like it's finished. It looks like it's in the larval stage or something.

Another food that doesn't sound so good: 'Squash'. 'You want some SQUASH?' Shit no -- sounds like someone sat on my dinner.

I went to a fancy French restaurant called 'Deja Vu'. The headwaiter said, 'Don't I know you?' ~Rod Schmidt

Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere. ~Unknown

A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter. ~Morey Amsterdam

A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on the table after you eat. ~Unknown

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. ~George Carlin

The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th.  ~Scott Adams

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. ~Henny Youngman

No theme this week -- just a random sampling.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. ~Steven Wright

When I go to a restaurant, I always ask for a chicken and an egg to see which comes first. ~Unknown

When a waiter asks me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper. ~Andy Rooney

I think they should put a warning label on strawberries: 'Caution: tastes nothing like a strawberry milkshake'.  ~Ryan Kaplan

We have just received news that Betty Crocker has passed away. Funeral services will be held tomorrow at 3:50 for 25 to 30 minutes. ~Unknown
    
By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect 'Hungry'...  ~Gary Larson, The Far Side
 

We're going with a sushi theme this week, with a couple of seafood-related ha-ha's thrown in because, as it turns out, very few people have ever written or said anything funny about raw fish. If you've heard any good nigiri jokes, please feel free to share 'em with us.

I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.  ~George Carlin.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, 'Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner!' ~Lynda Montgomery.

In Mexico we have a word for sushi. Bait. ~Jose Simon

It's so beautifully arranged on the plate, you know someone's fingers have been all over it.  ~Julia Child

I was once watching this documentary on Discovery channel. They had this Asian family cooking scorpions. The reporter asked one of the family members: 'What does it taste like?' The family member responded: 'Tastes like penguin'. ~Octane

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? ~Unknown

This week: Vegetables

Vegetables are a must on a diet.  I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.  ~Garfield (Jim Davis)

Large, naked raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who lie in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.  ~Fran Lebowitz

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.  ~Doug Larson

Vegetables are something God invented to let women get even with their children. ~P.J. Rourke

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.  ~Mark Twain

An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh.  ~Will Rogers

You are what you eat.  For example, if you eat garlic you're apt to be a hermit.  ~Franklin P. Jones

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.  ~Fran Lebowitz

This week:Dieting

I bought a talking refrigerator that said "Oink" every time I opened the door.  It made me hungry for pork chops.  ~Marie Mott

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four -- unless there are three other people. ~Orson Welles

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. ~Jackie Gleason

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.  ~Ed Bluestone

I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.  ~Erma Bombeck

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.  ~Henny Youngman

You can't lose weight by talking about it.  You have to keep your mouth shut.  ~Author Unknown

This week: Food and family.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.  ~Calvin Trillin

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.  ~Buddy Hackett

You can say this for ready-mixes - the next generation isn't going to have any trouble making pies exactly like mother used to make.  ~Earl Wilson

You can tell how long a couple has been married by whether they are on their first, second or third bottle of Tabasco.  ~Bruce Bye

He who eats alone chokes alone.  ~Proverb