Laine Doss

Do-it-yourself Go-Go Juice.

​Chances are you've seen or heard about Toddlers and Tiaras, the TLC show that features little children dressed like mini-hookers and the parents who push them.

The show is like watching roadkill, and I admit I've spent one too many rainy Saturday afternoons with T&T marathons. After all, I was a child pageant contestant (once) and remember the hateful hair spray, that tackle box filled with green- and blue-frosted eye crayons, and those neon orange hot pants my crazy mother thought were so adorable on my chubby little five-year-old body. I got out by running away from home after the pageant, agreeing to stay put if I didn't have to do that ever again. Others aren't so lucky. Like Honey Boo Boo.

Honey Boo Boo's real name is Alana Thompson. The six-year old self-proclaimed redneck girl and pageant queen wins countless worthless tiaras and sashes by prancing around in Daisy Dukes and big hair, playing with her belly fat (apparently that wins the judges' hearts every time), and in general being a little peroxide and tanned ball of energy. Where does this little girl get all this energy, you may ask? A little concoction dreamed up by her mom called Go-Go Juice.

Go-Go Juice, by the way is a heinous combination of Mountain Dew and Red Bull mixed together. In an interview on Good Morning America, June (who is overweight, by the way), sees nothing wrong with giving her little angel this drink. She also adds that she used Pixy Stix (known in pageant circles as kiddie crack) on Honey Boo Boo (sometimes as many as 16 in a day), but they didn't work.
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Coca-Cola

The Coke bears are back in time for the big game.

​Can Super Bowl Sunday be the only day of the year in which we actually look forward to commercials?

Each year, advertisers fall all over themselves trying to top each other for ratings, consumer approval and a coveted Clio award.  Advertisers pay dearly for one of the 70 spots during the game. ABC reports that NBC is charging around $3.5 million dollars for 30 seconds of airtime. We did the math and figured that's $245 million dollars of ad revenue being generated by the game.

There are few surprises in the way of who's advertising -- car, food, and soft drink companies lead the way. Budweiser has the monopoly on beer, and GoDaddy will feature scantily dressed babes yet again. The biggest shock this year has been the leaking of commercials on the internet. Of the 70 spots, over a dozen have been released in advance, causing an insane amount of buzz. Leading the way are the Honda spot which sees Matthew Broderick recreating his role of boy wonder Ferris Bueller and a chorus of dogs barking the Empire Strikes Back theme for VW.

Quite a few food and beverage advertisers have also leaked their commercials. From goofy cops eating a healthy breakfast to animated polar bears cavorting, here's a preview of what you can expect to see on Sunday (oh, there's football too, right?):
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Mercadito via Facebook

But where are the rajas?!

I recently went to Mercadito's Taqueria in Midtown. It had been a long day at the office and a solid, close-by taco lunch was in order. I pulled up the menu online and the blood drained from my face. "Where are the rajas?" I thought.

I quickly dialed the main number to Mercadito and a bubbly young lady, Victoria, answered. Knowing full well that I would unlikely be speaking to, say the chef who could give me answers, I dismissed the thought of drilling her further than simply asking "did you guys take the raja tacos off the menu?"

Nonetheless, I was hungry and had someone else's order to pick up as well, "just forget about it for now, order something else and ask when you get there," I said to myself.
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DpStyles/Flickr

We have some ideas on how Boy Scouts can beat the girls at their own game.

​Girl Scout cookie season officially starts today in South Florida, and you know what that means, don't you?

Yup, dozens of little green hustlers swarming all over you whenever you try to enter a supermarket or big-box retail establishment. Trying to sell you boxes of overpriced chemical-laden cookies that are basically the same taste and quality as the crap you can buy any time of the year at Publix...but because of a great marketing campaign (or the allure of a cute pig-tailed tot), you're salivating like Pavlov's dog at the thought of a Trefoil or Thin Mint.

Thinking of this annual onslaught made us think of the Boy Scouts and why they don't sell cookies. In fact, Boy Scouts do sell something -- popcorn.

The Trail's End website sells popcorn, trail mix, and pretzels -- all benefiting the Boy Scouts of America. Trouble is, outside of a movie theater does anyone really eat popcorn? And does anyone ever eat trail mix, the unholy marriage of peanuts, raisins, and M&M's?

If the Boy Scouts are ever going to beat the girls at their own game, they've got to sell something a little more interesting...here are some suggestions:
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Hostess/Facebook

There may soon come a day when we say, "remember the Twinkie?"

​The bad economy has been hard on everyone, and apparently depressed people without jobs no longer eat to dispel their feelings. Hostess, which just emerged from bankruptcy in September of last year, is at it again with an impending refiling reported by the Wall Street Journal.

WSJ cites the $860 million dollars of debt on the books as a major reason behind the move to restructure, but one has to wonder if perhaps Twinkies are simply on the endangered food species list?

With high fructose corn syrup requiring its own publicist (oh those commericals, SNL's spoof really hits home) maybe it is time to consider the death of Twinkies, which are rumored to have an infinite shelf life. Apparently it costs more to produce, distribute and sell cheap baked goods than they actually net from the endeavor.
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​​Today the voters of New Hampshire will trudge through miserable weather and vote for their preferred Republican candidate in the presidential primary. You are probably familiar with all of the folks running by now: Newty, Mittens, Sneezy, Grumpy, etc. If they look a bit pale and green around the gills, consider they've just spent months eating every queasy street food available in Iowa.

Here are some specific gastronomic stories relating to each candidate, along with a snippet of their political views on food and nutrition. There are surprises: One candidate takes his wife out to eat only at food carts, another candidate held a contest for a lucky winner to share a burrito lunch with him, and another compared North Carolina barbecue to roadkill. Oops.

If you are what you eat, this is the only guide Republican primary voters will need to consult when making their determination about character (and if you're curious, we have already opined as to what food each candidate would be if they were, indeed, foods).
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Rachel Kramer Bussel

It's just too sad, one bite and they are gone.

​Looking back upon the year that was, it's not too difficult to narrow the field of food trends that gripped Miami's culinary scene. There are those that we love (local craft brews to go with your meal) and naturally, those that we hate (those silly mini-cupcakes that are everywhere), but overall, the city saw a massive proliferation of local business owners making good on restaurant promises.

5. Local products
We hail Paradise Farms as the bringer of good things to the table, with fresh local produce that makes them justifiably popular at Miami's restaurants. They sort of won the lottery this year, because if you write about food, you read an unbelievably long list of press releases that included the words, "featuring locally sourced fruits and vegetables from Paradise Farms." Nevertheless, we are on the fence about whether or not every single restaurant needs to shout about it, particularly because as one executive chef cited, it's not possible to only cook with local produce all year long, unless you want to serve diners a menu that includes citrus on citrus all the time. The local farming trend is definitely a positive, but the unrealistic expectations of Florida's ability to be completely locavore are a bit heady.

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Nadia G. Facebook

It's Christmas Time...show me your ding dong!

​Everyone loves to get into the act for Christmas.  For some reason, snowmen and brightly lit trees make everyone want to record a song. Adam Sandler, Paul McCartney, and David Bowie among those who have felt the need to share the holiday spirit. 

Now, Bitchin' Kitchen's Nadia G. gives us her own Adderall-inspired version of a Christmas song. The domestic goddess looks more Lita Ford than Paula Deen in a metallic-red bodysuit, as she writhes in time to the music "It's Chrismas Time...let's drink some wine"....

Like every Christmas special, there are guest stars in the video.
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Lesley Elliott

Joey's rigatoni with radicchio in a "4-formaggi" sauce.

​I feel like restaurant roadkill after a sad experience Tuesday night when I attempted to eat at one of my favorite neighborhood spots, Joey's in Wynwood. I was ousted from a table by people who were identified as "the owner's friends" just prior to being seated. Now, I completely understand that Joey's and WKB had a pretty full plate business-wise due to the opening of Wynwood Walls, and I truly admire the Goldmans' longstanding efforts on behalf of Wynwood's evolution.

Nevertheless, it's not good to alienate locals during Art Basel. In fact, it's even more important when juggling big names and small ones, to ensure that everyone dining in your restaurant receives fair treatment. So how do I know that my party got shoved aside? Well, we were the only ones waiting when these "friends" walked in the door without a reservation, seeking a table, which owner Joey Goldman, who was at the restaurant, facilitated for them.

We had literally JUST been informed by the hostess that our table was ready, they were resetting, and it would "be one minute." As these "friends" were standing right next to us, we had the joy of hearing the words, "Don't worry, don't worry, it's all taken care of." Then they were quickly ushered onto the last available seating in the place, out on the terrace. It was the exact table promised to us.
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The Travel Channel

Bourdain at Bemelmans Bar

​Last week, The Layover premiered to audible groans of pain...by me. Anthony Bourdain's new travel show had an interesting premise -- what would Tony do if stuck in a city for 24 hours?  Unfortunately, the show had a frenetic overly produced feel about it. I disliked the clock counting down the hours until the cab ride back to the airport and the vignettes of locals giving tips to tourists. Tony seemed a little bored.

What did I want to see from this episode of The Layover, set in New York?  I wanted to be wowed! I'm a native New Yorker. Tony is too. I wanted to see a mix of places I've never been to, along with classic New York spots that only insiders know about. I got what I wanted...maybe a little too much.
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