It didn't really work out for us.

One of the coolest things about our office is that PR reps practically break down our door with new stuff they want to send to us.

Like, molecular gastronomy kits, for example.

The kit, called, Molecular CUISINE R-Evolution arrived and we thought to ourselves, "let's give it a shot." We tried three recipes that came with the kit (which didn't work) and one that we pulled off willy nilly.
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Photo by Marguerite Gil

Half plate of very oily, angel hair noodles.

​My friend Janet picks the eating places where we meet and shmooze a couple of times of month. She's usually good at it. She goes online, checks out the menu; parking, prices and then we enjoy a happy lunch together at her favorites picks.

The place she chose this week was located next to Publix and close to Costco in North Miami. Yes Pasta! Trattoria Italiana was clean, modern and empty. We stayed almost two hours and not one single client ventured into the place.

Next door at T.G.I. Friday's, it was packed. Several other eateries close by had clients too. This North Miami mall has had its share of renters these past few years including the very successful Paul Bakery. But Paul is gone and today many of the storefronts are empty.

Our un-noticeable waiter came by, gave us some very nice elaborate looking menus and left. I ordered a $5 beer, she had bottled water. The specials included pasta al salmone e vodka (pasta with smoke salmon in a vodka pink sauce) for $15.90.

Constolette di agnello con risotto ai funghi (lamb ribs with wild mushroom risotto) was priced at $25.90 and constolette di vitello al vino rosso (veal loin chop with red wine sauce served with vegetables) was $26.90.
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All photos by Laine Doss

Keep walking past the pumps, the gum and the condoms to find the restaurant.

​Few Miamians probably know that "el carajo," translates to the crow's nest of a Spanish Gallion. Almost everyone knows, however, that it is slang for almost anything too far away or crappy (as in "vete para carajo" or "go to hell").

That pretty much summed up my experience at El Carajo, the tapas restaurant hidden in the back of the BP gas station on US 1 and SW 17th Avenue.

I've been here before to buy gas and wine (they have a pretty decent wine selection...for a gas station), but never to dine. I just never got around to it.

Well, I finally did the other night. Like a speakeasy from prohibition, El Carajo is tucked away, past the cashier selling condoms and international phone cards. Decorated like a wine cellar (with a good selection of wines by the bottle),  the place charmed me slightly. I've traveled around Central America and have eaten some of my favorite meals from gas stations hiding kitchens filled with good smells and cold beer.

 

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​Miami's Best Pizza, a 40-year mainstay on South Dixie Highway near University of Miami, is always packed. There're children with noses smudged up against a glass partition watching cooks spin dough in the air, children playing on video game machines that line the walls, children huddled by their parents on the picnic-style benches that comprise the dining area. And sprinkled around are college kids and mom-types waiting for take-out orders beneath giant faux-brick arches.

Naturally, one would expect such a jam-packed place with a name like "Miami's Best Pizza" to serve life-changing slices of heaven. Does this old school neighborhood joint match these expectations?
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​Among the hundreds of mediocre Italian restaurants in this town, there has always been one that people claim to be a cut above the rest -- Sardinia Enoteca Ristorante on Purdy Avenue in South Beach. Actually, this is the one Italian restaurant that locals rant and rave about. Do a search in Yelp, Open Table or Urban Spoon, and be prepared for a tsunami of stellar reviews -- 4 stars, 5 stars, "Very Good," "Outstanding." Even our very own Lee Klein wrote a beaming review about Sardinia when it opened.

Granted, Sardinia is attractive. Floor-to-ceiling glass windows wrap around the space, a sexy wooden wine rack adorns the center of the dining room, and the wood-burning hearth is inviting. Clusters of large format wine bottles as well as Italian products like olive oils, vinegars, and saba are scattered through the dining room and along the bar.
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​There are good things to say about Smith & Wollensky, for sure, starting with its incredible location, location, location and the fact that its bartenders are known to be quite generous with a pour. And we think it's cool they are offering wine enthusiasts the chance to swirl and spit up to 10 featured daily domestic and international wines for only $10 with a lunch entrée during National Wine Week, September 27 through October 1. But here's the bottom line: The drinks and views may be nice, and perhaps they have a decent salad or seafood dish or two, but S&W claims to be a steakhouse and, frankly, the steak isn't "America's premier," as the website claims.

The chain has been around since 1977 and it has eight freakin' locations, from Vegas to Boston, so why the heck can't they put out a better piece of meat?
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Photo by Bobak Ha'Eri/CC 3.0

Versailles' opulent setting.

​Frommer's "highly recommends" Versailles, touting it as "a glorified diner," where Cuban exiles meet over a cafécito. Travelers on TripAdvisor have awarded it four stars, hail it as the best Cuban food in town. But is it really?

Anyone who visits Miami is automatically pointed toward Versailles as the place to get a great Cuban meal. But if you think about it, that isn't always the case. We aren't saying the food is inedible -- it's solid -- but does it really deserve to be king of all Cuban eateries?
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​We were not surprised when it was announced that Barton G would be opening a restaurant, Prelude by Barton G, at the Adrienne Arsht center. He is a true showman and his original restaurant Barton G. is more reminiscent of a circus act than a fine dining establishment. It is true, Barton G has received rave reviews from critics and guests alike. One reviewer on Yelp said "totally over the top, totally amazing, totally fun, totally love it. Like Totally". 

In truth, the food is not bad, but it's not worthy of the price tag.  Upon arrival, regardless of whether or not you have a reservation, you are directed to the bar and told there is a 20-minute wait.  Most diners then indulge in the nitrogen cocktails that overflow with "smoke".  When it subsides you have a good martini cocktail with a Lego-like figurine hanging from the side.  At $30 a pop, we would want the drink to overflow into another glass, not risk tipping the one we have onto the bar because of the weight of the "garnish".

The meal itself is a colorful pandemonium of stages and accessories in which even simple things like the bread service emphasize form over function. 
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Ortanique's Web site has an "Accolades" tab. One click on it lists 23 excellence awards. Esquire Magazine named it "Best New Restaurant in America." And the eatery was placed on Zagat's Top 10 Best Restaurant List nine times. The New Times has even shown its love more than once. Our Lee Klein wrote a fairly adoring crit in 2009. He said, "If you haven't yet dined here, you should."

But should we? Granted, a fabulously-painted flamingo greets patrons with a smirk as they enter. The intricate décor whisks eaters away and leaves them yearning for a Caribbean getaway. And many menu items are tasty. Ortanique is indeed a good restaurant. Perhaps even more than good. However, is it worthy of an  America's Top Tables win and an accolades tab?

The pre-dinner bread slices are often served at room temperature. They're slightly greasy and smeared with too much of the lime colored, garlic-infused spread. The tuna tartar appetizer tastes fresh and is complemented well by the bacon butter and citrus zests. Unfortunately, more guacamole is presented on the plate than tuna.
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​People seem to really like Pizza Rustica; seats at the three South Beach venues are almost always filled. Zagat readers praise its "fantastic selection of unusual pizzas" with "gourmet toppings" that yield a "stomach-filling and rewarding experience."

What can we say? Sometimes there is just no explaining popular taste.
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