​The long awaited legal battle between Michael Chow (Mr. Chow) and Philippe Chow (Philippe by Philippe Chow) began in a Miami federal courtroom on Monday. Mr. Michael Chow is seeking over $20 million in damages for trademark infringement. I'll leave it up to the lawyers to hash out the legalities, but let me add my two cents: I think Philippe Chow took things too far.

Philippe's real name is Chak Yam Chau. You might suppose that "Chau" was close enough, but Chak changed it to Philippe Chow. Chau -- er, Chow had worked 25 years in Mr. Chow's kitchen. Mr. Chow at this point was renowned (and still is) for a string of upscale Chinese restaurants that drew the elite and famous. Philippe Chow (with partner Stratis Morfogen and others) opened an upscale Chinese restaurant three blocks away from Mr. Chow's New York venue in 2005. And opened another Philippe by Philippe Chow in Los Angeles to compete with Mr. Chow's Beverly Hills flagship spot, and then opened a third Philippe in the Gansevoort Miami -- just a block away from Mr. Chow in the W South Beach (Philippe has since moved to the South-of-Fifth neighborhood). The decor is equally swank in both places, and the prices are jacked up at each venue in a similarly obscene manner.
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​"The grocery store has become a Tower of Babel," said Louis Sullivan back in 1990. "Consumers need to be linguists, scientists, and mind readers to understand the many labels they see."

Sullivan at the time was Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services, and he instructed the FDA to revise the method of nutrition labeling. The agency did, in cahoots with the Department of Agriculture -- and Congress ultimately passed the Nutrition Labeling and Education Act with the aim of clearing things up. Some years later there was another redesign with bold numbers and more prominent placement of calorie counts.

Problem is, while all the pertinent nutrition info is contained in those rectangular panels one sees on packaged foods, the consumer has had a hard time deciphering the numbers. Some values are expressed in grams, others in milligrams; some high numbers indicate a "good" value (fiber), other high numbers indicate a bad value (saturated fat). Of course all of these numbers depend upon serving size, which varies wildly depending upon the individual -- and what the heck does %DV mean? It means percent of daily value, that's what, which translates to the percentage of a single nutrient within the context of a daily diet of 2,000 calories.

HELP!!!

Here are four intriguing ideas for consumer-friendly labels that have already been implemented in select areas.
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​Earlier this week, I mentioned that I'd be dusting off my Ouija board in time for the annual predictions post, but of course I was just kidding; obviously one cannot accurately foresee the future solely by sliding ones hands over some letters. That's why the Ouija board only accounts for part of my prognostication process. The other method is too complex to describe here, but I will say it involves a wall, numerous Post-Its with words written on them, and a set of darts.

Here, then, is a glimpse at some of the shocking developments that will take place in 2012:

- A gifted pastry chef from another city will, after having read my pleas for a great bakery, move to Miami and open one up. In a related story, hell will freeze over.

- We are so saturated with burger joints that the opening of new ones will cease -- but not before Sonic and In-N-Out Burgers join the sweepstakes.

- Stone crabs will be noticeably less expensive next season thanks to My Ceviche giving Joe's Stone Crab some competitive pricing. When Joe's prices go down accordingly, so will stone crabs all around town.
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​As I dust off my trusty Ouija board in preparation for the Miami dining predictions of 2012, it seems only fair to look back on how I fared on my prognostications of one year ago. On quick glance, it might appear I did rather poorly. Upon deeper reflection, it still might seem as though I should get out of the prediction biz. Like immediately. But once you comb through the list a dozen or so times, as I have, and do so with a modicum of credulity, I think you'll agree that there are pearls of prescience nestled in the otherwise oysterish list. So let's take them one by one:

There will be fewer food trucks one year from now than there are today.
To quote the esteemed Governor of Texas: "Oops."

A major Miami food blog will go kablooey, and a couple of smaller ones will disappear as well.
Not sure if you noticed, but Paula Niño moved to Texas and her last post on Mango & Lime was July 29. So I nailed this one pretty good -- anyway, let's move on.
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​I'll never forget the dread of marching from kitchen to dining room towards the table I was serving with a bottle of French wine in hand. It was at the Culinary Institute of America's fine French restaurant -- the first time I had ever waited on a table, and the second time I was taking this particular walk; the initial table visit had me nervously standing alongside the diners while twisting the cork screw to their rather expensive bottle of Bordeaux.

"Excuse me, I'll be right back," I told them after flubbing the process and shredding cork crumbs into the wine.

The chef-instructor was not cheered by the sight of my return to the kitchen with bottle in hand. He ordered another student to pour the wine through a fine sieve into a decanter.

"This is for us after service," he said, then handed me another bottle and told me that I'd better not screw up again. I didn't -- not then, and, quite frankly, very few times since.
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​With the news that former Pacific Time chef/owner Jonathan Eismann is now a realtor, it seemed like an opportune time to reflect upon potential second careers for other local chefs. After all, we know that the restaurant biz is a bitch, and dining establishments don't last forever, and...well, let's just say that I'd like to lend a helping hand in return to those who have cooked so many a fine meal for me over the years,

Towards this end, I've decided to become their guidance counselor and make a few job suggestions just in case they should ever need it:

Alberto Cabrera of The Local Craft Food & Drink: Traveling Salesman. He's worked at so many restaurants that the man has gotta be good at packing up and hitting the road.

Allen Susser: Body Double for Zach Galifianakis. In difficult times, we do what we have to do.

Savvy advice for Michael Schwartz, Michelle Bernstein, Dewey LoSasso and others follows...
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​Let's not sugarcoat our words: The report released yesterday by Trust for America's Health and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation (RWJF) is just more fodder for the notion that Americans are disgustingly obese people who simply cannot stop stuffing their dumb faces with fake, horrible, lardaceous foods. The proof is in the pudding, so let's take a quick look before somebody comes along and licks the pudding bowl clean. Here are just a few of the new numbers from the report, which is titled "F as in Fat: How Obesity Threatens America's Future 2011."More >>

2 million: Dogs and cats abused and killed by the international fur industry each year that was made from domesticated dogs. Humane Society of the United States (HSUS). (A previous version of this blog item erroneously reported that Burlington Coat Factory was involved in this activity. The reference arose from a 1998 incident in which a supplier erroneously shipped to Burlington merchandise labeled "Mongolian Dog Fur." The firm has nothing to do with abuse of domesticated pets. Miami New Times regrets the error. )  

24: Number of cats it takes to make a fur coat in China (HSUS).

10 to 12: Number of dogs it takes to make a fur coat in China (HSUS).

75 Percent of cattle in the U.S. that were routinely fed the rendered remains of dead sheep and dead cattle (along with dead cats and dogs) until the practice was stopped in 1997 (Fast Food Nation).
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​Imagine this: You grew up in a household where the only lettuce served was some mix of wild field greens; it was grown in abundance and very inexpensive. Salads would be inevitably be composed of these greens -- sometimes together, sometimes individually, as in arugula salad -- tossed with garnishes and generally a vinaigrette dressing. The vinegar used would never be anything but balsamic.

Then, one day, a miraculous new lettuce appeared from abroad. It was shipped as a heavy, densely wrapped ball of pale green leaves. When you sliced a wedge -- lettuce you can slice! -- and took a bite, the leaves released a small flood of chilled water into your mouth. The name said it all: Iceberg lettuce. Granted, it went for $17 a pound in the gourmet market, but you called your friends and raved about it and all of you -- and eventually the whole country -- couldn't eat enough of the stuff. Only the trendiest restaurants would serve it, often draped with a creamy dressing. But some of these places were also getting in a brand new vinegar that was nothing like balsamic: It was made from fresh apples! Again, the "cider vinegar" was hard to come by and rather pricey, but so light and refreshing compared to that same old-same old balsamic.
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​For a popular restaurant to spawn a second locale is nothing new. Indeed, some restaurateurs claim that this is the only way to start seeing any real profits. Until recently, however, this phenomenon hasn't happened much in these parts.

Lime Fresh Mexican Grill, La Sandwicherie, Sushi Maki, and numerous pizza joints have doubled up, but we're not talking fast food. Sakaya Kitchen has a Sakaya Kitchen a Go Go truck, but we're not talking meals on wheels either. Michael's Genuine Food & Drink and Ortanique now showcase second venues in the Cayman Islands, and ditto Quattro Gastronomia Italiana in New York -- these also don't count, but after so many years of accepting hand-me-downs from other cities, it's nice to finally be exporting the Miami brand.
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