Miami Food Blog

​Rootstock: Peace, Love and Beaujolais Nouveau
We've already mentioned that this Thursday marks the arrival of Beaujolais Nouveau, and that French wine producer Georges Duboeuf and its exclusive U.S. importer, W.J. Deutsch & Sons, are sponsoring a food drive to benefit Feeding South Florida. Last year, Feeding South Florida distributed approximately 21 million pounds of food (an estimated 14 million meals) to over 800 agencies in four counties and to other food banks in the state of Florida.

Here are more details: From Thursday through November 25th, the following South Beach restaurants will be serving as drop-off points for nonperishable food items: Au Pied du Cochon at 81 Washington Ave.; Café de Arts at 1360 Collins Ave.; Casanova Suites at 524 Ocean Dr.; and Clarke's at 84 1st St.. For virtual donations, go here.

Au Pied du Cochon will also be hosting a Georges Duboeuf Beaujolais Nouveau kickoff party from 5:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. on Thursday, featuring food, wine, and entertainment. Beginning that evening and continuing through November 25th, Au Pied will offer a complimentary taste of 2009 Georges Duboeuf Beaujolais Nouveau to patrons who bring in nonperishable food items for the drive.

Another Round of Beaujolais
Petit Rouge in North Miami  is offering a 3-course dinner and glass of Beaujolais Nouveau for $35 plus tax and tip. Deal starts this Thursday, November 19th, and runs through Saturday the 21st.
12409 Biscayne Blvd.; 305-892-7676.

More French Thoughts
You can get good crêpes at numerous places around town, but they never taste the same as they do on the streets of Paris. My theory: Just as Brooklyn water makes the bagel, Parisian air makes the crêpe.

In case you were wondering: The new Publix on South Beach does not stock Le Puy French lentils.

​Eater Greeter
While I was away, Lesley Abravanel and Eater Miami gracefully traipsed into our incestuous little food blog world. So far it has been an interesting and visually arresting blog, a bit of original snark sandwiched between the sort of local linking that South Florida Menu Pages Blog used to do. South Florida Menu Pages Blog of course closed down some time ago due to a stupifyingly poor name. Eater Miami is a lot catchier, and allow me to be the last to welcome it and Ms. Abravanel to the food fray.

In related news...
I am Miami's new gossip queen.

Bancroft Pfft, Hot Tuna Tuned Out
Short Order was the first to note that things at Bancroft Club were "discombobulated". Now Bancroft is kaput. So is Hot Tuna on Washington Avenue.

Pending Death Watch For Odious Concepts
Along with Bancroft and Hot Tuna, recent times have seen the closure on South Beach of Ahnvee Restaurant & Lounge, Apple Restaurant & Lounge, and Hed Kandi Lounge. This may very well be a sign that the odious concept of restaurant/lounge is dying. Well, either that or the odious concept of South Beach is dying.

Mina On Meth!!! Or Not
Bourbon Steak Miami's executive chef Michael Mina is featured on the cover of November's Wine Spectator magazine. Inside you can read about Mina's culinary concepts, how he got his start, Bourbon's acclaimed wine program, his partnership with tennis star Andre Agassi, and how they held contests to see who could eat the most truffled fries while high on crystal meth. OK, just kidding about that last part, although Agassi is his partner.

Now Gilligan, about those menus at Mr. Chow...
Marc Vidal went from Por Fin to being new executive chef at Soleá in the W South Beach. We were wowed with Vidal's work at the former spot, and look forward to seeing his soulful touch at Soleá (the new menu debuts next week). Michael Gilligan has been promoted to executive chef for the W hotel.

What's So Funny 'Bout Peace, Love, & Fruity French Wine?
This year's theme for the marketing of Georges Duboeuf Beaujolais Nouveau is Rootstock: Peace, Love, Beaujolais Nouveau. A private, media-attended uncorking ceremony will take place, as is tradition, on the third Thursday of the month -- which is this Thursday, November 19th. Au Pied de Cochon is hosting the festivities and luncheon, with winemaker Stephane Queralt in attendance. And in the spirit of Wood -- er, Rootstock Nation, Georges Duboeuf and W.J. Deutsch & Sons will partner with Feeding South Florida (formerly Daily Bread) for a week-long food drive starting Thursday and running through the 25th.

​Salsa Fiesta Debuts Today
Owners Cesar Olivo and Adriana Pérez Benatar are hosting the grand opening of their Salsa Fiesta Urban Mexican Grill today. The fast casual eatery is located on 29th Street and Biscayne Boulevard, just a block north of the New Times offices. The modern industrial-style restaurant has indoor and outdoor seating and "a mostly muted color scheme differentiating this innovative eatery from the traditional Mexican greasy spoon".

Other differentiating factors might include the plantains and  tostones that will accompany various dishes, "institutional lab barstools", and original artwork by "well-known Venezuelan artist" Nadia Benatar (what a coincidence -- she's got the same last name as one of the owners).

Specialties range from "salsalicious burritos, soft grilled flour or whole wheat tortilla, served with a side of glorious chips and yummy pico de gallo" to  "the Mariachi Mix, a terrific combination of almost everything on the menu that's great to share."

"We are excited to bring the Salsa Fiesta brand to Miami, especially to this emerging neighborhood with so much vitality and growth," states Olivo.

Not saying that this won't be a welcome addition to the 'hood, but all in all I'd rather eat at a "greasy spoon" than at a "brand."

Salsa Fiesta Urban Mexican Grill is located at 2929 Biscayne Boulevard. For more information call 305-400-8390.

​Nothing Spells Hip and Health-Conscious Like Plasma TVs
NFL All-Timer Rudi Johnson and Dolphins running back Ricky Williams will be co-owners (along with the Hospitality Development Management Group) of PROOF, a "hip new health-conscious restaurant and lounge set within the inviting breezeway area of Z Ocean Hotel South Beach". Set to open next month, PROOF promises "a warm American bistro concept combined with California fresh cuisine, reasonable pricing (entrees from $20 to $30) and a chic Ocean Drive setting".

Menu will include sushi and items such as Red Snapper with Lump Crab Meat, Farmer's Market Vegetable Platter, and New York Strip Steak.  Both indoor and outdoor seating areas "feature large plasma TVs for guests' entertainment". Anything to distract from the food, eh?
Z Ocean Hotel, 1458 Ocean Drive; 305-672-4554.

Free Subscription To Gourmet Magazine!
That's the "BONUS offer" promised on a sticker upon the cover of the new 1,000-plus page Gourmet Today cookbook. Not to worry: If you spend the $40 for the book, you can send in an attached coupon and get a $12 refund instead (which, incidentally, makes this cookbook a bargain).

​Talula turns Italian
Talula restaurant recently launched Buon Appetito!, also known as Wednesday pasta night.  "We wanted to give our diners a special taste of the type of food we love cooking at home for our families," says Andrea Curto-Randazzo, the Italian chef/co-owner who opened Talula in 2003 with her Italian chef/co-owner/husband Frank Randazzo. The deal is this:
$29 per person (excluding tax and gratuity) for a bottomless bowl of rigatoni dressed with Andrea's "Sunday Sauce", plus 40 Wet-Nap moist towlettes and all the tap water you can drink. No, but seriously, the refillable rigatoni comes topped with ricotta cheese and served with house-made meatballs, garden salad with red wine vinaigrette, and hot garlic rolls. Dessert is espresso panna cotta with chocolate chunk-cherry biscotti. As part of the Wednesday night program, Talula will also offer specials on Italian wines by the glass and bottle. Sounds like our kind of deal.
Talula is located at 213 23rd St., Miami Beach; 305-672-0778.

Can't say. Haven't been.
A few weeks ago, restaurateur Gonzalo Noales and his partner opened Olé Tapas & More in the Four Seasons Tower at 1441 Brickell Avenue. As the name implies, it serves traditional tapas ($5.00 to $10.00 per) -- & more, such as  tortillas, chistorras, wines and beers.
Olé is open Monday through Friday from 7:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. For reservations or info call 305-400-8162.

Oceanaire sails to Sonoma
Executive Chef Sean Bernal and Wine Director Jorge Morgado from The Oceanaire Seafood Room will present a five-course dinner paired with Wagner Family Wines Caymus Vineyards this coming Wednesday, October 21st, at 7 p.m.  The cost is $85.00 per person, plus tax and gratuity, for what looks to be a sensational meal. The menu:
1st Course:Alaskan King Crab Ravioli, Charred Corn, Tomato Confit & "Silver" Beurre Blanc paired with 2007 Mer Soleil "Silver" Chardonnay.
2nd:"The Puzzle ...." Arugula, Crystallized Ginger, Asian Pear, Dijon paired with 2007 Conundrum.  
3rd:Crispy Skinned Icelandic Arctic Char, Strawberries, Cherry Tomatoes, Aged Balsamic & EVOO paired with 2007 Belle Glos Meiomi Pinot Noir.  
4th:Miami Surf and Turf of Florida Gag Grouper & Australian Wagyu Strip Loin Brochettes paired with 2007 Caymus Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon.  
5th:A dessert surprise paired with a specialty dessert wine.
6th:"Taxi!"
The Oceanaire Seafood Room is located at 900 South Miami Ave. in Mary Brickell Village.  Reservations are required: 305-372-8862.

This blog plus $29 will get me into Talula's Italian night
In recognition of the new Federal Trade Commission decision that bloggers, tweeters, and other networking nitwits such as myself must reveal any money, freebies, payolas, quid pro quos, and so forth that we may have received in exchange for recommendations and positive notices such as the one above, let me make it absolutely clear that I have received not a whit of a hint of a crumb of a payback: No free rigatoni, no bottle of Caymus wine, no chistorra in the mail (actually, I'm not certain what a chistorra is, but I don't think I've gotten one).
It's just a labor of love. 

​Columbus Day Brunch, Kamen Wine Dinner
Brunch is this morning at 10:00 a.m. and runs to 4:00 p.m. at Au Pied de Cochon. And on Wednesday, October 14 at 7:00 p.m., the French brasserie presents a five course dinner featuring the wines of Kamen Winery, a Sonoma County vineyard owned by Hollywood screenwriter Robert Kamen. Pioneers in organic farming, the winery produces a very limited quantity of highly rated reds, with an emphasis on top quality Cabernet Sauvignon. Chef de cuisine Didier Lailheugue will marry classic French cuisine with the opulent Kamen wines. Dinner is priced at $110 per person, exclusive of tax and gratuity, and will be limited to 28 diners.  For reservations and more information, please contact Eric at 305-674-1844.

The Forge Lassos LoSasso
Legendary local chef Dewey LoSasso will be the new executive chef of legendary Miami Beach restaurant The Forge when legendary restauranteur Shareef Malnik re-opens the place sometime in December. Good news all around.

Help! My Eardrums Are Bleeding!
Or at least it felt like they were when my wife and I walked into SeaRock Restaurant. This new establishment is located on Bay Road in South Beach, two blocks north  of the lively intersection where other newcomers Casale Pizzeria and the Burgers & Beer Joint are packing them in. SeaRock offers various ceviches and seafood dishes named after rock stars, but at 8:30 p.m. on a Saturday night the music, as I say, was blaring, the room empty, the staff disinterested. Pumping the volume later on for the lounge scene would make sense, but that sort of din is anything but inviting for dinner. We left.

Lessee, who could play the Suzanne Somers role?
Emeril, Martha Stewart, and Jessica Simpson are really terrific in that Macy's Come Together to Feed America television commercial.  Love to see them come together in a sitcom, like maybe a remake of Three's Company.

Going once, going twice...
As reported, Ingrid Hoffman and Daisy Martinez will be at the Arsht Center October 16th, tickets going for $69 and way up. Short Order also reported that discount tickets for students aged 13 to 22 are available via a Culture Shock program for just $5 each.  Sorry, but that still strikes us as a few bucks too much. 

​Stone Crab Season Begins
Dolphins shmolphins -- the season we really care about kicks off at Joe's Stone Crabs next Thursday, October 15th. Stone crabs are always winners.
11 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-673-0365.

Florida In A Bottle
4 Orange Premium Vodka is the world's first and only vodka distilled from pure Florida oranges -- four varieties, in fact, culled from Florida's Peace River Basin. The 80-proof, super-premium vodka is being launched by Imperial Brands, Inc., which also produces Sobieski vodka and is headquartered in Palm Beach Gardens. The 4 Orange brand will be produced in the Sunshine State, and indeed the company claims to be capturing "the essence of Florida in a bottle" -- though we think they'd need something besides citrus to accomplish that.
Launch party is tonight, Thursday October 8th, 6:30 to 10:30 p.m. at The Shore Club, 1901 Collins Ave.

From Morocco to Andaluz
Ta-zin Moroccan Cuisine, which opened last December at Jefferson Ave. and 5th St. in South Beach, has been renamed El Patio Andaluz, and is now touting Spanish Mediterranean cuisine. This is a quirky restaurant location that over the years has hosted one dismal, confusingly conceptualized failure after another. Doesn't help that there's virtually no parking in the neighborhood.
427 Jefferson Ave., Miami Beach; 305-531-8900.

BLT For Brunch
BLT Steak at The Betsy Hotel on South Beach is introducing Sunday Brunch at the Betsy. An eclectic selection of classic brunch and lunch items will be available from 11:30 a.m. until 2:30 p.m. The $24 prix fixe menu -- and that includes a complimentary Bloody Mary, Mimosa or White Peach Bellini -- offers up dishes such as BLT Popover Poached Eggs (a classic eggs Benedict served with spinach, ham, bacon, Bechamel and gruyere cheese on BLT's signature popovers); the SoBe Burrito (with cheddar scrambled eggs, peppers, black beans and onion-tomato salsa); and a Black Angus Burger with hand-cut French fries. Sides such as maple chicken sausage and home fries will be $7. An Oceanside Basket ($14) brings freshly-baked croissants, pain au chocolat, Danish, scone, coffee cake, muffin and lemon pound cake. So popover if you get the chance.
BLT Steak at The Betsy is located at 1440 Ocean Drive. Reservations: 305-673-0044.

​Luna Rises Again
"Back by Popular Demand" declares the banner across the re-rechristened Luna Cafe at 4770 Biscayne Boulevard. Short Order had reported in July that Luna had changed its name to L'artista Restaurant and tweaked the menu towards a more fine dining experience. We noted that it "Seems a curious move at this time," but expressed our faith in owner Tom Billante's business savvy. Sure enough, he was savvy enough to realize the mistake and bring back the moderately priced Luna Cafe.

Uh-Oh
Rumors of upheavals and general discombobulation at the Bancroft Club. And there's a new General Manager at Crazy Piano's, the dueling piano bar/restaurant in CocoWalk that opened only a few months ago.

Meating Us Half-Way
Shing Wang, Short Order's favorite vegetarian Chinese restaurant, has started introducing meat items. Although the place has received rave reviews from just about everybody for its flavorful soy-based dishes, business has been sluggish. Some might suggest that it is the off-the-beaten-track location, not the menu, that's to blame for lack of patrons. We shall see, but this is sad news regardless.

One Mona Lisa Extra Value Meal Please
The Louvre is the world's most visited museum. France is McDonald's top market outside the United States (over 1,000 outlets). And sooo...McDonald's is planning to open this December in the food court of the underground mall adjoining the Louvre museum. Some folks aren't happy about Ronald McDonald cavorting in the backyard of the Sun King. Who can blame them?

Maitardi Arrives On-Time
Maitardi opens today at the former Brosia site at 163 NE 39th St, in the Design District. It will be the entry establishment in this neighborhood for the team behind Lincoln Road's Spris, TiramisU, and Segafredo. Maitardi translates to "never late", which right off the bat puts a lot of pressure on the wait staff. Oak trees and the mosaic-tiled plaza remain, but a wood-burning brick pizza oven has been installed. That's right -- more Med, this menu slanted towards northern Italy but with "occasional Floribbean notes". Gee, haven't heard the term Floribbean in awhile. Sample items include sesame-crusted scallops with fennel-orange salad and passion fruit sauce; venison stewed with Amarone wine and juniper berry; cured meats  such as prosciutto di Parma, speck from the Alps, and wild boar coppa salami; pizzas; pastas; entrees like pan-roasted lamb rack with fig-port sauce. For reservations call 305-572-1400. Tell them the guy who hated Brosia sent you.

​Happy first year anniversary to Yelp Miami. To help celebrate, take a blogger to lunch.

North One 10 and Cacao Restaurant are the most high profile closings of the season. This leaves us with two less really good chef-driven neighborhood restaurants, a genre in which our city already comes up way short.

Happy Worldwide Vegetarian Day and happy Vegetarian Awareness Month. To help celebrate, take a rutabaga to lunch.

This whole idea of paying big bucks to see chefs talk and demo on stage at Arsht Center seems absurd -- and even more so for Food Network chefs, whom you can see talk and demo ceaselessly on TV. What are Emeril, Pepin, and the Latina gals going to tell us and show us that they haven't already told us and shown us via their hundreds of telecasts and countless cookbooks? It may be true that nowadays chefs are like rock stars, but I wouldn't pay money to see rock stars talk either.

Speaking of the Food Network, this Monday, October 5th, at 10 p.m., our own very worthy Tap Tap Restaurant (819 5th St., Miami Beach) will be featured on Guy Fieri's "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives". Tune in, turn on, eat goat.

Edgar Leal is supposedly heading to Caracas, but if you're a restauranteur looking to upgrade at chef -- and I can think of a hundred or so that should consider doing so -- Dewey LoSasso is seemingly out of work at the moment. And I don't see Jeffrey Brana or Michael Bloise in any kitchens either, so it's possible they're available as well. It isn't every day that culinarians of this caliber are on the market.

This just in: In honor of Vegetarian Awareness Month, folks in Argentina have agreed, for the next 30 days, to put extra peppers on their steaks.

​Maryel Epps sings live from 12:30 to 2:30 pm at Caviar Kaspia's Sunday Brunch. Maryel with Sunday brunch is a great Beach tradition that dates back almost two decades.

Didn't see Julie & Julia, but it occurs to me that they don't make food movies for guys. Let's get Bruce Willis to play James Beard in Fry Hard. I'd go see that.

Farm Sanctuary, the nation's leading farm animal protection organization, last week announced that Boston-based pediatrician Allan E. Kornberg, M.D. will be the new executive director. Presumably no foie gras was served at his inaugural luncheon.

Caviar Kaspia's Eggs Barry has to be the town's most expensive plate of yolks -- $59! Eggs come atop brioche with half-ounce of Imperial Baeri caviar (from Siberian sturgeon), one ounce of salmon eggs, and smoked paprika hollandaise.

How about Schwarzenegger in Conan the Culinarian?

North One 10 closed quietly some weeks ago. We look forward to seeing Dewey LoSasso cook up a storm in another kitchen -- either his own or someone else's -- hopefully sooner rather than later.

Late weigh-in on pizza wars: I prefer the thin crisp Sosta pie over Casale's softer, doughier crust.

Not enough chefs do savory soufflés. Last one I had was at Pascal's on Ponce -- a delectable "upside down" gruyere cheese soufflé with parmesan sauce. Does anyone make a lobster soufflé? And if not, why not? (I mean other than the tricky logistics in getting it to the table at just the right time).

Sorry, Eggs Barry is not the most expensive plate of yolks. Caviar Kaspia's scrambled eggs with a half-ounce of white sturgeon caviar is $62. On the other hand, a Bloody Mary is only $5.

Jean-Claude Van Damme and Ice T playing Roux brothers Albert and Michel in Double Impact?

​Lox, Stock, and Bagel
Yo: Brooklyn Bagels is slated to open this December in the "$2.3 billion urban lifestyle neighborhood of Midtown Miami." Actually, the press release announcing this was written awhile ago -- by now it's probably just a $1.7 billion urban lifestyle neighborhood. Owner Ashraf Sahaltout promises "a quality that is rare to find outside of New York, especially because we are bringing the natural waters of the City to enrich the flavor"; and "a true bagel deli from the heart of New York's Brooklyn Borough".  

It just so happens that I am also from the heart of New York's Brooklyn Borough, and a former bagelmeister to boot. Will Sahaltout succeed in making "traditional and non-generic bagels" at the Midtown 2 locale? Will going from Brooklyn Bagels to the Brooklyn-style pizzeria Primo Pizza (likewise set to open in Midtown 2) cure nostalgic longings for my home town? Which one will be first to serve a real egg cream? Tune in a coupla months from now for the answers.  
Brooklyn Bagels will be located at 3451 NE First Avenue, Miami.

Char Wars
Morton's The Steakhouse is having a pre-opening party next week at their newest locale at 4041 Collins Avenue on Miami Beach. That location is pretty close to Fontainebleau's Gotham Steak at 4441 Collins Avenue, as well as to The Forge, which looks to be getting set for an October revival.
 
Big Cheese Two
The Big Cheese Restaurant, a 25-year institution in South Miami, opened their second restaurant in Homestead last week. It is called The Big Cheese of Homestead. Original partners Bill Archer and Garry Duell, Jr. have partnered with two 20-tear employees, Tim O'Brien and Richard Sorlanzano, "who began in delivery and as a dishwasher, respectively," Archer said.

The Big Cheese of Homestead seats 185 and offers the same homestyle, reasonably priced Italian cuisine that defines the original Big Cheese -- along with those famous and fabulous garlic rolls.

Big Cheese of Homestead is at 350 North Homestead Blvd, on U.S. 1 off of the Campbell Drive Exit. It is open Monday to Thursday from 11:00 a.m. to 10:00 p.m., Fridays from 11:00 a.m. to 11 p.m. and Sundays from noon to 10:00 p.m. Phone: 305-247-0657.

​Kareem Zarwi, manager and beverage director of Au Pied de Cochon recently sent a very gracious email in which he thanked me for the "clear assessment" of Pied in the New Times review. But the real reason he was writing was to let me know that he had "come across a 'review' quite similar to the one that you wrote". And sure enough, the article by "Black and White" for a site called Associated Content is plagiarism in black and white -- except the words are amended in order to read as though English is the writers' second language. Which I think is an interesting twist that deserves its' own name: Pidgin Plagiarism.

​I generally let criticisms of my writing go unanswered, the attitude being that everyone has a right to gripe. Plus sometimes the criticisms are correct, and those that aren't can be especially fun to read. I fully expect to raise a bit of a fuss when I write a post that tosses off random thoughts and accusations in somewhat carefree fashion, which is what I did in the Unholy Alliance blog. I say "somewhat" because I was careful in certain respects. For instance, I consciously lumped in some of our best chefs with some that I don't think are the best in my quotation-marked reference to "area's top chefs". I have no problem applying a "snide" categorization towards a group of people, but it would be mean to specify which chefs I personally don't think fit the description. Which brings me to Frodnesor, a frequent and welcome contributor to Short Order and numerous other food sites, including his own excellent Food for Thought. Frod recently wrote a post that takes me to task for being snarky towards these chefs Normally I would nod my head and say "fair enough", except Frod has no problem with mean spiritedness on food blogs. He has no problem with being snarky and snide on his own blog. He just has a problem with me.

​"Begun in 2006 as a series of intimate, word-of-mouth chef gatherings at restaurants all across South Florida, Chefs Club Miami -- now boasting a membership of more than 30 of the town's culinary innovators and restaurant industry honchos -- is proud to announce its recent partnership with Whole Foods Market. To celebrate that partnership and the beautiful Coral Gables location's two-year anniversary, the members of Chefs Club Miami are turning out for a series of exclusive events at the store.  Free and open to the public, these Chefs Club events are the perfect way for novice chefs, foodies and burgeoning gourmets to get up close and personal with some of the area's top chefs."

Here, in case you were wondering, is a listing of "the area's top chefs": Alberto Cabrera, V & E Restaurants; Michael Jacobs of MediterAsia Catering & Consulting; Giorgio Rapicavoli of The Anglers; Giancarla Bodoni of Escopazzo; Sean Brasel of Meat Market; Sean Bernal of the Oceanaire Seafood Room; Cindy Hutson of Ortanique; Clay Conley of Azul; Andrea Curto-Randazzo of Talula; Dean Max and Paula da Silva of 3030 Ocean; Gordon Maybury of the Loews Miami Beach.

Once you get "up close and personal" with these star culinarians, you might want to ask why they are teaming with a national market that makes a WHOLE FUSS about the importance of local and sustainable food, but whose branches in South Florida DO NOT SUPPORT OR HELP TO SUSTAIN OUR LOCAL FARMERS. More specifics on this in upcoming posts, but you might think that before these "culinary innovators" hooked up with hyping Whole Foods, they might have checked up on what the chain's actions have meant to our local growers of organic produce -- but I guess there have been more important things to discuss at their Chefs Club meetings, like swapping recipes for molten chocolate cakes and such.

​A teeny sneak preview of the New Times restaurant review for next week -- an amuse-bouche, if you will, to whet your appetite.

The cuisine weaves an enchanting web, fusing strands of French bistro fare with ingredients such as the curry and coconut milk that globalize a beurre blanc pooled beneath three bacon-wrapped langoustines. Alongside the thick, succulent crustaceans were thin slices of softly cooked zucchini infused with the alluring perfume of anise. Jeez, she can make even zucchini taste good.

To learn a little something about Charlotte's chef/owner Elida Villarroel, check out Jackie Sayet's Short Order interview.

​Desperate times call for desperate promotions -- and dumb promotions -- and even desperate and dumb promotions within desperate and dumb promotions.

Starting tonight, the Mayfair Hotel Lobby Bar begins its' Mad Men Mondays promo. From 5:30 pm. to 7:30 p.m., guests can partake of drinks for just $3.50 each; until 8:30 p.m. they can have a three-course dinner for $20.99. Plus 9% tax and service charge. Plus tip. At 6:30 p.m. customers can watch the latest episode of Mad Men on the flat screen.

Just one question: Why would anyone want to eat dinner at the Mayfair Lobby Bar?

And here's another dumb idea: The new Waxy O'Connor's Irish Pub will launch its' weekly Wednesday evening Bubbles N' Barbecue Ladies Night with a special night within the special night that they're calling To the Nines. You see, this coming Wednesday is 9/9/09, so "In an effort to pay tribute to the ninth day, of the ninth month, of the ninth year (of the new millennium) the fun new eatery will kick-off their weekly backyard style barbecue with a discounted price of $9.99 for a piping plate of fresh 'que and choice of drink/cocktail for all guests." I'm not certain, but I think this evening is being sponsored by Sesame Street -- and next year they'll be teaming up with Waxy's to "pay tribute" to the number 10! (and to teach them how to properly write Bubbles'N Barbecue).

Think of this as being like the South Beach Wine & Food Festival's BubbleQ, except without the authentic Q and without the Bubbles -- the deal includes a "drink/cocktail', but champagne enters the equation only in that "gals will receive half priced bubbly throughout the festivities". 

Sooo...if you're looking to meet the sort of sassy yet classy "gal" who appreciates some sips of discounted champagne alongside her booze and barbecue, this might be an event to mark down on your calendar:To The Nines takes place this Wednesday from 5:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. The regular Bubbles N' Barbecue Ladies Night will continue every Wednesday during the same hours, but price goes from $9.99 to $12. Barbecued items change weekly, and will include stuff such as "shrimp and pineapple skewers, grilled cedar plank salmon, burgers, hot dogs, steaks, veggies, sides, etc."  

Mayfair Lobby Bar @ Mayfair Hotel & Spa, 3000 Florida Avenue  Coconut Grove; 305 445 8177.
Waxy's on the River, 690 SW 1st Court in downtown Miami;786-871-7660.  

​

For a while there, when Michy's, Michael's, Fratelli Lyon, North One 10, Pacific Time 2 and Red Light were all newish news, it looked as though Miami was on its way to becoming a cool food town -- the sort with a community of chefs who open restaurants that reflect their vision, and that, taken together, form a gastronomic montage of the tastes and cultures of the city.

But at this point, it appears to have been just a temporary surge by a group of brave and seasoned chefs. Miami's current dining scene can best be viewed as akin to a culinary outlet city where you can one-stop shop big brand names -- Michael Mina, Alfred Portale, Govind Armstrong, Nobu Matsuhisa, Danny DeVito, Alan Yau, Philippe and Mr. Chow, Scott Conant, Michael Psilakis, Laurent Tourondel. Except you'll never see Michael Mina, Alfred Portale, Govind Armstrong, Nobu Matsuhisa, Danny DeVito, Alan Yau, Philippe and Mr. Chow, Scott Conant, Michael Psilakis, or Laurent Tourondel. They're all working in the cities where their flagship businesses are. Somehow, secondary locations are always second fiddle.

Don't we have a farm system of sorts, comprised of talented chefs who have toiled and tutored in kitchens under the last generation of notable Miami chefs -- LoSasso, Bernstein, Oudin, Van Aken, Susser, Eismann, Ruiz, Rodriguez, Wessel, Jorgensen, Militello and on and on -- who can pick up the torch and start opening personal, passion-fueled places that showcase their own distinctive vision and approach to cooking? Hello?

To be fair, a few small, chef-driven joints have debuted in various neighborhoods over the past year or so, including a disproportionate number of French and sushi spots (by the likes of local talents such as Neal Cooper at Petit Rouge and Kevin Cory at Naoe). But none are being driven by inspired young chefs forging New American cuisine -- or even by old American chefs forging Old American cuisine. Biggest gastronomic news in our sunny city this past year? Pizza, hamburgers, and steak houses. Second  biggest news this past year? More pIzza, more hamburgers, and more steak houses. How sad. What will the next huge Miami food fad be -- cupcakes?

​Casale Pizzeria is the new, rustic, informal pizza/mozzarella bar/enoteca-type place next door to and owned by the Sardinia folks. Drove over there the other day and shared a lunch of margherita pie and "Argentinean chorizo with three beans salad". The latter was actually a cassoulet of warm, long-cooked beans and a mild chorizo sausage cut in thirds -- not great, and didn't come close to satisfying expectations of a "salad". Pizza was good, the sauce, cheese, and basil nicely proportioned atop the soft crust, the pies' flavors seductively smoky from the oven. Two items aren't enough to make any judgment call on the place -- as a fan of Sardinia, I'll give Casale the benefit of the doubt for now. But the parking situation here really ticked me off.

There is a small, bricked parking lot in front of Casale, with lines painted to denote spots. One car was parked inside, but plastic cones were put in place to block any other cars from entering. This is not an easy neighborhood to find parking in, but we did, placed coinage in the meter, and walked in the rain a block or so to the restaurant. Still, I was curious as to why the parking lot was closed. A hostess explained that eventually it was going to be converted into an outdoor dining section, and they didn't want people getting used to parking there. A car pulled into the lot and parked while we were chatting. "Whose car is that?" I asked. "The manager's," she replied. And the other car was the owner's.

Now I can understand why they might want to keep the lot closed -- maybe, for instance, to keep the ground in good shape for when they put the tables in. But it just seems so elitist to have the management be able to use the space, but make everyone else drive around and pay for parking when there are perfectly good spaces available right in front. The whole idea of opening a dining establishment is supposedly to cater to those who you are enticing to come as your paying guests. This parking rule sends a subtle statement that we, the customers, are of secondary status to the management. True or not, I don't think that's the right message for a restaurant owner -- especially one as savvy as Pietro Vardeu -- to send. 

​*Frank Bruni, recently retired restaurant reviewer from The New York Times, has been all over the media of late to promote his memoir, Born Round: The Secret History of a Full-Time Eater. Bruni writes about food as well as any critic in the country, some of his more cutting comments collected here. In one of his book tour interviews, Bruni noted that the obligation to be "a vivacious and interesting host" during his reviews could be "emotionally draining". I couldn't agree more, and have already emailed my editor at New Times asking for additional vacation time, citing "extreme exhaustion from vivaciousness and hosting -- especially the vivaciousness."

*Chef Mark Zeitouni of Lido Restaurant at The Standard is creating the most delectable "living food" in town. And the vegan Ding Dong created by pastry chef Vanessa Lane there is better than a real Ding Dong. That's big news.

*In smaller news: Did you hear about the M&M inspector that got fired for tossing out all the W's?

*Canyon Ranch has hired Elizabeth Barlow as its' new executive chef. Miami Beachers will recall chef Barlow fondly from her days heading food ops at The Delano. And for those keeping score, that's 3 executive chefs at Canyon in ten months of operation. Anyone know what the record is?

*And does anyone know what happened to chef Jeffrey Brana? Restaurant Brana was one of our favorites.

*So was Klime Kovaceski's wondrous Crystal Cafe. Here's a recent photo of Klime and a layout of his dishes at Mez, where he has been executive chef since helping to debut the restaurant early in the year. Mez was named Best New Restaurant in Charlotte by Charlotte Magazine.

photo by dan dry

Kovaceski at Mez

​
*I was supposed to write a review of Julie & Julia for Short Order, but it just looks so damn boring that I can't bring myself to go see it. Does this count as a review?

​Food Animal Concerns Trust (FACT) has launched a petition drive to ban poultry litter being used as cattle feed. Poultry litter  consists primarily of chicken shit, feathers, spilled feed and bedding material that accumulate on the floors of the buildings that house chickens and turkeys. It can also include stuff like dead rodents, rocks, glass shards, and so forth.

The fraudulent FDA banned poultry litter as feed in 1967, but in 1980 it agreed with the meat industry lobbyists that pumping animals in our food chain with manure and such is just dandy. Sane people, however, can connect the dots and see that eating these crap-fed creatures leads to serious health risks. One can assume the cows aren't too pleased about it either.

FACT's Filthy Feed Campaign aims to stop this outrageous practice and can use your help in doing so. Go here and sign a letter of support. Or else just go on being full of shit.

​Luna Cafe, at 4770 Biscayne Boulevard, is now called L'artista Restaurant. Ownership is the same, meaning Tom Billante is still  involved. Besides the name change, the menu has been tweaked upwardly towards a more fine dining experience than the casual Luna Cafe. Seems a curious move at this time, but Billante has in the past shown himself to be a savvy restaurateur.

What if La Boite a Pizza in South Beach goes out of business and nobody sees it fall? Is it still out of business?

Speaking of which -- it's great that we've got all of these new pizza joints producing excellent pies, but isn't it about time to move on to something else?

Then again, no pizza place opened this past week. Nor a steak house or sushi restaurant. This confirms that we are officially in the midst of the "summer doldrums".

Instead of pizza: Why not an arepas joint that offers variations on that sweet grilled cheese treat? A bacon-scallion add-in sounds pretty good to me.

Whatever happened to...Maria Frumkin, of DUO Restaurant downtown? Last time we saw her was on Top Chef, last we heard of her was when DUO closed.

To all of you cynics and nay sayers who said Kobe Club would never come back: August 1st will be the reopening date, just in time for Miami Spice, just as China Grill Management said it would. Kobe doesn't skimp with its' Spice menu either. You can choose from six appetizers, including Kobe beef tartare with fresh wasabi root, quail egg and crostinis, or iced hamachi with jalapeño, pineapple and scallion. Entree choices include pan-seared wild salmon with lobster dumplings, and Kurobuta pork chop with Japanese chili-pepper apple sauce. Side dish picks such as sake-white truffle creamed corn are also on tap, followed by a selection of desserts. Price is $35 (plus tax and tip), valet parking with validation is $6. Kobe Club is right next door to China Grill at 404 Washington Ave. in South Beach. For reservations: 305-534-2211.

Gordon Ramsay is in town with the challenging task of improving the decades-old Fleming A Taste of Denmark. Think we can start with a better name? In fact, even a worse name would be better. Herring-Do? 

​Bond Street, one of our best sushi establishments, is opening a branch in the tony Thompson Beverly Hills hotel (the flagship Bond Street is in NY - SoBe's opened in 2001). One of the cooler treats at the new place will be soy sauce "caviar", tiny dots of the dark liquid encased in thin-skinned membranes -- although once you factor in the price of a plane ticket, the cost becomes somewhat prohibitive.

Five Guys Burgers and Fries debuted its' new South Beach branch (1500 Washington Avenue) on Sunday. Fatburger has lost so much weight worrying about this it's now being called "Chubbyburger".

From 5 Guys to Table 8, which has been deep-sixed after filing for Chapter 7. Well, they do say the restaurant biz is a numbers game. Govind Armstrong is a fine chef, but unfortunately he does his cooking thousands of miles away in Los Angeles (meaning he'll be able to enjoy that soy sauce caviar). The folks from Table 8 were not the first, and won't be the last, of carpetbagging restaurateurs coming to Miami for a slice of our tourist dollars -- and caring little about the people who actually live here. To their credit, the owners are doing much better by locals with their 8-oz. Burger Bars.

The Huffington Post cites the ten best US cities for local food -- and no, Miami is not one of them. In no particular order: Seattle, Portland, Chapel Hill, New Orleans, New York, Albuquerque, Minneapolis, Denver, San Francisco, and Washington D.C.

Waxy O'Connor's Irish Pub and Eatery is slated to open Waxy's on the River early next month. Lucky us -- a chain restaurant that specializes in booze, sports TV, and DJ's, taking up precious waterfront space that could have gone to a real fish joint. You know, like Garcia's but bigger, the sort Miami is so sorely lacking. Guess we'll have to be satisfied with "acclaimed chef" Michael Jacobs' pub grub menu -- shepherd's pie with a side of chicken wings anyone? Waxy promises an Irish "authenticity", which is no doubt why they are installing 11 large flat screen TV's. As you know, one cannot find an inn or pub in all of Ireland that doesn't have at least that many hanging from the rafters.

A few years ago I wrote a feature in New Times called Foie Wars, in which a dozen local chefs offered their views on the bloated liver controversy. I bring this up not to revisit the debate, but rather as a cheesy way to recycle a past article for self-promotional reasons. And also because I thought it might be interesting to see what a couple of toques who had stopped serving foie gras are doing today, and to see what another one who was sitting on the fence has decided. Of the chefs interviewed back then, only Giancarla Bodoni of Escopazzo has kept her banishment of foie gras in tact.

Johnny Vinczencz in 2006: "I had been contacted by several of the organizations trying to stop the production of it (foie gras). They sent me a pretty graphic video, but it was unclear if the footage was shot in the United States. So I began to research it and realized the movement was quite large and gaining momentum. I was only using foie gras as an accompaniment to one of my entrées, so after a couple of comments from customers who were supportive of the movement, I decided I would serve something else. It just doesn't mean than much to me."

Currently on the menu at Johnny V's: Duck Duck Duck: Seared duck breast, leg of duck confit, duck foie gras, wild mushroom stuffing, wilted spinach, baby carrots ($30.00).

Jonathan Eismann in 2006: "There was a large price increase about ten months ago, and I was concerned at seeing a $25 appetizer on my menu. But we were contacted by a few groups, and though I've ordered it in other restaurants and eaten it, I've sort of subconsciously removed it from use. I think it's a worthy boycott -- I mean I can live without it."

Currently on the menu at Pacific Time: Seared foie gras apple tatin, with pineapple carpaccio and pomegranate syrup ($16.00).

Michelle Bernstein in 2006: Taking foie gras off the menu is "something I am heavily considering," but the decision "is not a very easy one. I have learned to use it, love it, live it for so many years. I understand the situation, and I am really trying to figure out the best way of dealing with it."

Currently on the menu at Michy's: Seared foie en brick, with bing cherry gastrique ($24).
At Sra. Martinez: Seared foie gras with pear puree and crispy quinoa ($18.00).

Starting August 1st, China Grill's new Summer menu will include half-orders of the existing sharing plates. As the press release explains, "The new pricing is ideal for single diners and smaller parties who can now enjoy the same China Grill Experience they've come to expect over the past 14 years without the mandatory doggie bag."  

Seven new menu items are on tap, like spiced crispy pork belly with avocado salad, watermelon salad, and sweet chili sauce; lemongrass-crusted tofu tots with pickled cucumbers and kimchee sauce; and miso-grilled vegetables with udon noodles, spicy hoisin, and mushroom sauce.  

And, in another nod to new belt-tightening times, China Grill's valet parking will drop to $6 with validation. (404 Washington Avenue, Miami Beach; 305-534-2211).

Fontainebleau Miami Beach does China Grill one better by offering free valet parking, from now through September 30th, with validation from lunch or dinner at any of the hotel's restaurants (Scarpetta, Hakkasan, Gotham Steak, La Cote, Blade Sushi Lounge, and Vida).  For info  or reservations call: 877-326-7412.

Meanwhile, Executive Chef John Critchley has inaugurated a daily prix-fixe, five-course tasting menu at Area 31 (270 Biscayne Blvd. Way, Miami, 305-424-5234) that will showcase such treats as smoked kingfish croquettes; Whitewater clams; and seared Texas redfish. The sustainable seafood menu, which includes a glass of organic wine, is being offered at dinner for $50 per person (excluding tax and gratuity).
 
Area 31 has committed a portion of proceeds from the pre-fixe menu to the Marine Mammal Conservancy (MMC) of the Florida Keys. The MMC is a local nonprofit whose mission is to protect marine mammals and their habitats through research, rescue, rehabilitation, release and education. 

Part of our ongoing series of snappy slogan suggestions for local restaurateurs.

Solea at the W in South Beach: At last: An upscale Mediterranean restaurant in a fancy hotel!

Area 31: No dude, we're not about UFO's.

La Paloma: John McCain says our ambiance reminds him of his great-grandmother's house!

Asia de Cuba: You don't quibble with our outlandish prices, and we won't make fun of your rube-ish out-of-towner outfits.

Crazy Pianos: What two words instinctively come to mind when you're craving good food? Crazy Pianos!

Wish: If you like our tie-died uniforms, you'll just love our extensive Paul McCartney CD collection.

Fatburger on South Beach: Thanks for sticking with us even though Five Guys is getting set to open just a few blocks away. Hey wait -- come back!

Eos in the Viceroy Hotel: Michelangelo finished the Sistine Chapel in less time than it has taken us to complete our wine list!

STK Steakhouse in the Gansevoort Hotel: At last: A contemporary steak house in South Beach!

Indomania Will Take August Off
Pieter Both, proprietor of Indomania Restaurant on Miami Beach, will be taking his annual vacation back home to Amsterdam -- meaning that, as per usual, the restaurant will be closed for the month of August. He also wrote to remind me that ever since I mildly mocked Indomania's abbreviated rijsttafel in my initial review, it has been expanded to grand rijsttafel proportions. I wrote back saying that I would try to check it out soon -- anonymously.

This Is What A Deal Looks Like
"At Daniel Boulud's Upper East Side gem, treat yourself to Chef Gavin Kaysen's ultra-seasonal three course prix fixe lunch. Market inspired menus change weekly. $24 per person all summer long."

More On Boulud
A poem on the great chef's anticipated arrival in downtown Miami:
Waiting For Boulud
Daniel Boulud,
Where are you?

Talavera Is Not Fast Food
I recently mentioned that Talavera was coming to Coral Gables, and suggested that a press release description made it sound as though it would be another Mex casual/fast food joint. Said release was sent out by a group touting Gables dining, not Talavera. I was set straight, and now I'll set you straight:

"Newest addition to the Jaguar Ceviche family is Talavera Restaurant...a delightful blend of old and new world Mexico. Talavera will feature a variety of popular Mexican dishes with recipes originating in street markets and signature restaurants from Mexico City. Items will be prepared from authentic ingredients found in the breadbaskets of Mexico. The restaurant is slated to open late July and will be located at 2299 Ponce de Leon Blvd. (on the corner of Giralda)."

So How Come When You Eat Chocolate You Don't Crave Weed?
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are." ~Matt Lauer (on NBC's Today Show)

Those who have read the books Fast Food Nation or The Omnivore's Dilemma, or articles such as Monsanto's Harvest of Fear in Vanity Fair or Eat Shit and Die in Miami New Times, will find little to be startled over in Food, Inc. Yet those who haven't been paying attention to what's been going down in America's food chain over the past half century will likely be as stunned as a tasered baby chick. For the second group, this film is a must-see.

My main criticism of the movie is that it seems sort of Obamacized -- meaning a bit too polite for its own effectiveness. Scenes involving the mother of a perfectly healthy toddler who died twelve days after eating a tainted hamburger are the only ones that pack an emotional punch. Also powerful, in a political way, is a bit at the end that directly links Monsanto, Washington pols, and pro-agribiz legislation (Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, for instance, was a former attorney for Monsanto).

All in all, Food, Inc. is an engrossing documentary, and an extremely important one as well. I'm just sayin' that it would have been a whole lot better had Michael Moore made it.

A press release of new arrivals and soon-to-be additions to the Coral Gables dining scene was recently sent out. Of those places mentioned, Norman's 180 (180 Aragon Ave.) is the only one to eagerly await. We don't know much about Charlotte Bistro, which is due to debut at 264 Miracle Mile, but we'll remain hopeful. And we won't complain about Randazzo's Little Italy moving to new digs at 385 Miracle Mile. The rest of the list seems pretty shabby:

Fast food: Another new Pasha's has opened at 130 Miracle Mile, and yet another Fat Burger is getting set to do likewise at 232 Miracle Mile. The latter is billed as "The last great hamburger stand", which will be true only when a nuclear blast wipes out every other hamburger stand on the planet.

"Casual Mexican": Talavera (2271 Ponce de Leon Blvd.) is the name of one, Chilorio's (130 Miracle Mile) is the other. Somehow the word "casual" makes us think bright lights, fast food, and an all-you-can-eat taco-fixins bar. Hopefully they'll prove us wrong.

Sports Bar: The Sports Exchange, now open at 45 Miracle Mile, boasts "stock tickers and business suits by day, sports haven by night". Um, we hate to be the ones to break the news to you guys, but the stock ticker-obsessed business suits' day has passed. In a big way. We're all paying for what these callous cads did, and the last thing we want to do is hang out with them and watch as they guzzle more beer into their corruptly bloated bodies.

Crazy Pianos Tuning Up
The new dueling piano bar, restaurant, and late night entertainment venue in Coconut Grove (second floor of CocoWalk at 3015 Grand Avenue) is offering brunch from 11:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. every Sunday. Also: two-for-one drink specials Thursdays 6:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m.  Crazy Pianos claims to have "the only 'beer tables' in the country filled with extra cold (32 degrees) Heineken draft beer containing ice chips". Sounds refreshing.

What You See Is What You Get, But You May Not Get Any Later On
London's Inamo, an interactive Asian-fusion restaurant and bar, uses digital tabletops that at the press of the screen displays the food and drink menus with a photo of each item -- so you can see what your food will look like before it arrives. Diners can also customize the design of their tabletop wallpaper, play computer games, pull up a map of the Tube, and call a cab for their ride home. Now if only they'd hand out iPods, a diner would be able to go through an entire dinner without looking at or listening to their companion across the table.

Graziano's Goes Green and Enters The Brickell Scene
The family-owned Graziano's opened its' first restaurant on Bird Road over twenty years ago. The latest is located in the downtown Brickell area (177 SW 7th St), and is hosting a free wine tasting every Thursday night from 6:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. The Grazianos have a new philosophy, too, pledging:
"- The global trade association for ocean-friendly seafood
- No Trans Fat oil
- Grass Fed Animals
- Organic Chicken Breast
- 100% pure all-natural Berkshire Kurobuta Pork"
Grazie.

Chef Sightings
No sooner had Short Order finished saying very nice things about Dale Ray, executive chef at Loftin's 1116, when we read in June's Food Arts magazine that he has been replaced by sous chef Chuck Voudouris. Don't feel too bad for Ray -- he has resurfaced at Mustards Grill in Napa.

We also have news that Christian Delouvrier, who left La Goulue in Bal Harbour last year, is now at David Bouley's Secession in New York City.

Each year, upon issue of New Times' Best Of edition, readers, bloggers, and foodies greet our restaurant and food selections with catcalls of derision. Which is just as it should be. But if we are to end up with differing conclusions, let's at least start from the same page. Here are a few notes that might help:

1.We do try to choose what we think is the best in each category, but with the same set of unofficial caveats that Oscar voters abide by. For instance, we are just as hesitant to name the same winner for the same item two years in a row. Do our readers need to read that Garcia's makes a great fish sandwich year after year after year? We think not. Plus nowadays every publication and online food site has their own set of bests -- do we really need to read that Garcia's makes a great fish sandwich 20 times a year?  

On the other hand, you can't put together a credible overview without giving nods to those establishments that everybody knows are deserving. So we mix it up -- best actor this year, best supporting the next. And we are also extremely unlikely to give more than one nod to any restaurant in any one year -- so if your favorite steak house didn't win Best Steak House, it may be because it won Best Restaurant In South Beach. Or vice versa. Or else it's because you just don't know steak.

2.There are always a few Best Of-worthy places that open after deadline, which was awhile ago. This year there were more of these than usual, so if you don't see Eos, or Naoe, or whatever -- that may be why. Also like the Oscars, a great performance by a newcomer can overcome nostalgic feelings for a contending veteran.

3.This is for those bloggers -- and I'm talking to you, Chowhounders -- who annually blather on about how our more questionable picks just have to be attributed to an attempt to please advertisers. Let me say, once and for all, that this is simply not the case, and never has been -- both in terms of our Best Of issue, and all other writing. Period. And if you want a bit of evidence to back this up, check out the Best Of issue of 2007. My numbers may off by one or two (it's been a couple of years -- I did the count as a matter of curiosity after reading aforementioned Chowhound posts), but I believe there were 74 food establishments that advertised, and 70 of them went home empty-handed. This percentage is more suggestive of a conscious effort to not include advertisers -- which is also not true, but does explain why a cluster of people glared at me from across the room that year at the New Times' employee Christmas party.

Anyway, now that you've read this you can go ahead and call us clueless -- without being clueless yourself.